3 months old already...

My babies turned 3 months old yesterday. It seems like the days are just flying by and they're getting so much bigger. I want it all to slow down. Well..I'll keep the fact that they're going longer at night now but the rest of it can slow down :-) I already had to get my 3-6 month old clothing ready. They'll be switching to that size soon. They are also about to outgrow size 1 diapers.

I just love being a Mother. Nothing in the world even comes close to filling me with such joy and fulfillment. If J and I had loads of money than we'd try and have a house full of children. Four...four would be nice. More than that and I might not have the quality time I'd want to spend with each one. We won't be having four children. The number one reason is because we can't afford it. Maybe if we lived in a 900 sq ft house and all shared one bed or moved to the mid-west. (we'd also have to get pregnant naturally "ha ha" b/c more IVF fees are not in our budget) Even then we wouldn't be able to offer them the opportunity to have some of their university fees paid for or have any family vacations. That wouldn't be fair. I don't want that. I look forward to trips to Disneyland, the beach, skiing, etc. So that leaves the discussion of what about a 3rd...a 3rd child. J thinks odds numbers are bad. One of the children will feel left out...most likely the 3rd one since the first two are twins and are likely to have a special bond. I'm actually quite annoyed that I'm having this discussion right now but I have to. You see...we have one lone embryo on ice. Just one (day 6 excellent quality blast) and the year long storage contract is up next month. We have to decide if we're going to pay $1500 to store it for one more year. After that you have to move it to another storage facility b/c Dr. Z won't store for more than 2 years total. The thoughts of how that embryo could be another Matthew or Andrew filter through my mind. What if they were the one sitting in storage and waiting for us to make a decision. I cannot imagine life without them. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it. It's sad that I even have to think about such things. I just want to enjoy my babies. My two beautiful sons that we worked so hard to get. I just went through 9 rough months and many infertility treatments for goodness sakes. If I never see another needle it'll be too soon. If we had no embryos on ice than I wouldn't be thinking of this. If we wanted to have another child later down the road then we'd go off birth control and see what happened. I wouldn't expect a miracle but you never know and I'd be fine with whatever cards we were dealt. I never want to put my body through another infertility treatment. I want to enjoy my life. I felt like my life was on hold these past two years while our entire focus was on conceiving.

So what to do? We've pretty much decided to pay for another year of storage. What's another $1500 in the scheme of things. We just paid that amount on a repair for our car. And I truly can't bear the thought of having that embryo destroyed. We actually have it being donated to science if we don't keep up the contract but the end result is the same. So now...in one years time we'll have to sit down and have this discussion again. Will we move it to a storage facility or actually attempt a frozen cycle when my boys are just over a year old. Dr. Z told us we'd have a 90% chance of this one embryo surviving the thaw process and then a 25% chance of it implanting and going all the way to birth. I think my biggest fear is what this embryo will bring out in me. I will most likely want to try using it. I'll want to give that embryo a chance. Now...the question is will I be able to leave it at that? And what all will this one embryo entail. Will I have to do IVIg (immune suppression), and all of the other medications again? What if it doesn't work (25% success means a 75% chance of failure). Will I be okay with that?... or will I be baby crazy once again and wanting to do anything to have another. I don't think that'll happen but what if it did? That wouldn't be fair to my children or my husband or to myself.

I wish I was just done. That I knew 100% that I didn't want any more children. This entire topic makes me so uncomfortable right now. I'm so lucky to have my two sons. I hate that part of me wished we didn't have that one frozen embryo b/c then I wouldn't be having this debate in my head. God- that sounds so selfish. I should be so thankful that I have one to use if we want to later on. I am thankful...don't get me wrong. I just wish Dr. Z gave you two years of storage initially so you didn't have to think about this right after giving birth.

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Wow did I get off topic or what. Back to my 3 month old boys. Matthew still spits up like crazy but doesn't seem as unhappy now that he's on Zantac twice a day. He's smiling more often and loves to hear his mother singing to him. Andrew still takes a long time to eat but once he's done he rarely spits up. He smiles non-stop especially when he looks at the "wall hanging" that is above the changing table. He just loves looking at it. It's so cute to see his wide eyed joy.

At this point Andrew's eyes have started to change color. They are turning more brown. Matthew still has bright blue eyes. I think there's a good chance he'll keep them. He's definitely much fairer in coloring that his brother. Andrew has the olive skin and darker hair whereas Matthew has the lighter skin, dark blonde hair and blue eyes.

The nighttime sleeping has gotten much better lately. We've had a couple of six hour stretches and even one or two seven hour stretches. Of course this is from the start of the feeding to the start of the next feeding so by the time they finish eating, get burped, changed and settled for the night we have only 5-6 hours but that is still a HUGE improvement over those 1-3 hour stretches we were getting the first two months. So they are actually eating less than they were a month ago since we've lost one of the feedings. So at this point we're doing an average of 5 ounces 6 times a day.

Next week I take Andrew to Valley Children's hospital again to have his kidney checked. I really hope the fluid has gone down. They will be during some more intensive testing to see what's causing the fluid buildup. I believe they'll be doing some X-rays (u/s) while a catheter is inserted. Hopefully its not painful for my little guy.

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas. This was a special year for us. Babies first Christmas and all. I look forward to the years to come and all of the many memories we'll be making.