11 DPO

Last time I posted, the rollercoaster of emotions I'm on was headed down a steep hill...now I think I've reached the bottom and am headed back up. We'll have to wait and see if there is another big dip ahead. I'm truly ready to get off. I'm not enjoying the ride.

I have 3 days to go. I'm some where in the middle ground at the moment. I don't feel like the results are going to be positive but I'm also not absolutely sure they will be negative. I'm trying not to read into all of my symptoms. That is so freakin' hard.

I'll be testing on Saturday morning and my B-day and J's b-day are both on Friday. I told J I wanted to do something together for our B-day instead of spending money on gifts. First of all every extra penny is going towards infertility treatments and I'd rather have quality fun time together anyway. We'll want to celebrate on Saturday b/c J works long days and will be tired Friday night. The problem is how my mood will be on Saturday after my test. If it's a BFP I'll be beyond ecstatic and the happiest b-day girl in the world, but if it's a BPN I'll be in the dumps. Probably curled in a ball and crying my heart out. I'm thinking a day out might cheer me up in the case of a BFN and J deserves to celebrate his B-day too, but I don't want to force a good time... that takes way to much energy when you are grieving another busted cycle. At this point I'm thinking either way that a quiet day hiking in the nearby national park or going to the local Zoo might be nice options. We could take a picnic and just relax.

Do you find that your husbands are a lot more optimistic than you? Why is that? My J literally promises me that we will have a baby... our own baby. I hold on to that each time he tells me. I think to myself here is this intelligent man that I trust more than anyone else. He would never lie to me so what he says must be true. (yet I know- there is no way he can know this for sure). When I look into the future I see children and feel like it will happen too but I fear otherwise. I even tried to convince myself the other day that I might not need kids. It wouldn't be so bad. We would have more money to spend on ourselves, we could travel the world, retire earlier, etc..etc... (yeah- right.... I convinced myself for maybe 5 whole seconds).

I'm off to work in the yard. I have to stay busy...busy...busy. Anything to keep all thought of IF and this looming cycle out of my head. So far this month I have worked on the yard a lot, build a dog shelter w/ J, painted the trim and patio on the outside of our house, and we are about to re-finish our bathroom and kitchen cabinets.