CD1?

Bad just got worse....

I'm trying to recover from the loss of yet another cycle. I thought I was doing a decent job. I POAS Friday (which was J's and my B-day) and still managed to work through the pain of another negative by making a terrific meal and dessert to celebrate our B-days. I made seafood pasta that had fresh scallops and mushrooms in a creamy white wine sauce and served on angel hair pasta. I served this w/ a green salad. And then I made a butter cake w/ whipped chocolate frosting. The confirmation for the POAS came Saturday and as I expected it was a big ole' negative. I was incredibly sad when I saw how much hope J still had. We still went to the local Zoo and to visit J's grandparents. I saw a lot of babies at the Zoo and it didn't even bother me too much. It was a nice day.

Now it’s Monday and I'm barely spotting. No real AF yet. I expected it to come on Sunday. It's never taken this long before. So, I don't know what is up w/ that. I had cramps all day on Saturday and Sunday and now nothing. WTF? J even wants me to POAS again b/c maybe the other tests are all wrong.... He's never been like this so I'm not exactly sure how to take it. Usually he seems slightly detached and not nearly as affected as me.

Okay- so this is why bad has now turned into worse. The pain of infertility is barely tolerable. As you know! I have three pets. 2 dogs and a cat. They are a true blessing during such tough times. I adore and love my animals and have a very soft for all animals. Many of you have dogs and you know how they are truly a part of the family. So today I was in front of my house w/ one my dogs (Shaver- 50 pound retriever) and he went ballistic on a small timid dog. This dog wandered onto our yard and even coward and laid down when she saw us. This dog didn't provoke my dog at all. Shaver (my dog) lunged for the dog and torn into her. He had her neck in his teeth and was thrashing her around. I had Shaver on a leash but couldn't do much except scream b/c the little dog was in Shaver's mouth and off the ground. I couldn't pull my dog away. My dog was sooo mean. It was horrible. I was screaming and crying and just horrified. My dog had never done this before. I finally had to get my hand in there to break the hold on my dog’s jaws. I got slightly bit. I thought the little dog was going to be dead. I finally got Shaver off of her and put him in the house. I'm calling my husband and completely hysterical at this point. I'm checking the little dog that I've never seen around our neighborhood before. J calms me done some and I rush the dog to the Vet. I call the number on the dog’s collar on the way there and the owner said she didn't want the dog. That they were trying to find it another home and it's been missing off and on for a while. I couldn't believe it! This little dog looks like a Kings Spaniel and it's so cute. Why would someone not care about their dog! Once I was at the vet I found out that the dog has a bruised eye and bleeding in the ears from the shaking. She also has two puncture wounds on the side of her neck. The worse puncture is about a 2 cm hole. The vet tells me there is no way to tell how bad it is w/ out surgery and writes up an estimate for up to $750 dollars. I freak b/c that is a lot of money that we don't have to set aside for a dog that isn't even ours. And honestly every extra penny in this household goes toward infertility treatments. But i feel completely responsible so I ask if this is really necessary. I don't want the dog to die or to suffer but that is a lot of money. I'm told that since the dog bites occurred so recently, we can get antibiotics into her right away and that might be enough to prevent infection. They said they actually don't stitch wounds like that b/c you want them to drain. I would have to clean the wound regularly and watch it for signs of infection. And if an infection occurs she's have to be brought right back and taken into surgery. I'm told that overall the dog looks pretty good and very stable after being the victim in a vicious dog attack. I have a $100 bill and I leave.

Now I have a dog that isn't mine that I need to treat until its well. And what if it doesn't heal and needs surgery? We just can't pay a ton of money right now on something like this. But I can’t just let it die or get sick. And if it does heal? Then what? Do I keep the dog? It's a beautiful dog. It's wonderfully behaved even after being attached. It's sweet and loving... She doesn't even flinch when I treat her wounds. I could easily keep this dog. But what about the attacker (my dog)? We adopted Shaver last March. He is an Alpha male and had been adopted twice before us. He's usually a great dog that tends to be aggressive. He'll growl sometimes but he's never hurt anyone. He plays and gets along really well w/ our other dog "Harley"... they sometimes play rough and that can be a concern. Harley is another small dog so I don't know why this other dog set Shaver off. I'm thinking its b/c she came up on our property and Shaver was being territorial. I hate the fact that I wasn't able to control my dog. Why did this happen? Can any more bad news or events come my way? Now we either need to get rid of Shaver b/c J is not letting us have a "biter" in the house especially since we hope to have babies running around one day. I understand his point, but at the same time Shaver is one of our family and I would feel like I was abandoning him. We made a commitment when we adopted him. So it's either one of those training camps that cost a lot of money and can't guarantee anything or to get rid of him. :-(

I have knots in my stomach and throat and actually got sick to my stomach earlier. This is horrible. I love Shaver but can barely look at him now b/c I see that image of him tearing into this little dog. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. I'll be keeping him in the dog run outside until we make our decision. I went to visit him earlier and you would think nothing happened. He was his usual sweet self except for the blood that remained on his coat as evidence for his crimes.

If you actually made it through this entire post I give you many kudo's.