ABC's of Today...
Aching heart
Broken
Crying
Depressed
Empty
Financial Turmoil
Grumpy
Hurting
Ill...
Joyless
Katherine Grace (one of the names I like for our non-existent baby girl)
Lonely
Money...issues
Numb
Ovarian cysts
Pain
Questioning
RE's
Stress
Tears
Uterus de la empty
Vacant
Waiting
XYZ....
Today is not a good day. How I hurt today. It's that gut wrenching...pain in you chest type of hurt. How can one hurt so much and for so long for something that doesn't even exist yet. I've been doing okay and then I went to bed last night and started "thinking". Yes- the "evil- thinking"...much like the "evil POAS" or the "evil hope" that creeps up on you and messes w/ you head. I thought about the "what ifs". What if I never give birth to a baby? What if we go through all of this and never conceive. I thought about the How's... How are we going to pay for IVF? What if we end up w/ a huge loan and major debts and still have no baby. How am I going to survive a negative IVF or two or three if I'm having such a hard time now? How am I ever going to be happy again? What if I can't move past this if I need to? How do I decide what to do and how to make the right decisions? I'm tired... tired of being an infertile. I'm scared...scared of being childless after going through all of this. I'm angry...angry at God for not answering my prayers. I'm disappointed...disappointed in my lack of strength and at how easily I fall to my knees in despair.
posted by Keeping The Faith @ 12:57 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
FAITH! {{hugs}} I hate that you are going through this. I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. I wish there was something I could do for you.
Know that I am thinking of you and saying a prayer for you, too. I feel the same anger at God sometimes and I just hate that feeling.
{{hugs}} again!
So sorry you are feeing so down today. We've all been there, and with infertility, those days seem to happen a lot. You WILL get through this, and you will feel better. Tough days are so difficult, though. Grin and bear it; I hope you have a better one tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry this has been such a Monday for you. I know how you feel. I have had all of these feelings - sometimes all at once, sometimes one by one... You are definitely not alone.
Faith - don't put such high expectations on yourself! It is OK not to be perfect and strong and happy about all of this. You will get through it - and you may not think so, but I'm certain that you're already stronger than you were before this journey began. And you will make it through.
It's impossible not to question your faith when going through IF - why me, why us, why anyone? It really sucks and it is absolutely gut-wrenching not to know the future.
The best advice I can give you are already following- be proactive in your care and make the best decisions you can with the information you are given.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you, Faith. Hugs.
p.s. I am drafting a response to your email questions and hope to get back to you tonight!
Ah, a very bad day indeed. We all get them so you know you are not alone- and as for having the strength to get through all this... you don't need to question your strength- you have it or you wouldn't be here and when you can't carry your own burdens- you can drop them on us and we can carry them for you-- that is what we are here for :) Hugs to you!
Oh I'm so sorry that you're having such a crap time, I wish I could take it away, or at least answer those unanswerable questions.... take care x
I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. Sending you a big hug.
I have read your blog for awhile & never responded, but I felt like I had to today, to tell you that I am holding onto Faith for you today, that all of us (the IF) have days like the one you're having and the only thing that gets me through is knowing someone out there understands . Just like I do..someone you've never even met :)
sending a hug and a prayer that you get your prayers answered.
KAC--
IF just sucks the big one, doesn't it? Cry if you have to, punch something (soft) if it will make you feel better, take a bath in a vat of chocolate if it will keep your mind off things for a few minutes while you figure out how to clean chocolate out of your tub.... (sorry)
I have very similar thoughts myself from time to time.... just about lost it at a commercial featuring a cute little baby girl the other day..... but you just have to hang in there and know there are a lot of us in the 'net that are thinking of you......
Yellowgirl
Oh Faith... the funny thing is... you ARE strong. Strength is getting up from when you've fallen to your knees. Getting up over and over and over again, when all you want to do is collapse.
You are not alone in your heartbreak. At all.
Hugs and love to you today. I hope it's a better day than yesterday.
You get back up though right?!
Oh my dear! I am so sorry that you are so sad. I understand so very well how you are feeling. I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't have any good news (or bad news) or any news at all. I think I imagined the whole "symptom" thing as now I feel fine. You will find a way through this dark place that you are in. I feel so angry all the time myself at the unfairness of it all. It isn't fair. It's horrible. I wish you some happy days in the near future.
I so wish I could give you a big hug, so I'm hoping my cyberhugs will do for now. I am so sorry. Just know that I'm thinking of you. All of what you wrote in this post I've felt, what seems like, every single day. Take care. I really hope you get some great news soon.
Post a Comment
<< Home