Back on my feet...

I'm doing okay... Okay being the key word. It's been 10 days since I received the bad news about my FSH. I basically became nonfunctional for 2 days. J stayed home for a day and took care of me. While I was in that truly horrible state of mind, J continued to talk to me in very positive way. It took two days of him repeating himself endlessly in a loving manner for any of it to sink in. Maybe it was b/c my head was foggy and congested from the constant crying, or that I had so much negative talk in my head. Nothing else could penetrate for a while.

Eventually I got motivated to research this dreadful news on a high FSH message board and read about many women still getting pregnant w/ high FSH. Most of these women had much higher FSH then me. I also received many private e-mails that encouraged and held out hope for me. Thank You! I ended up calling my current SOB RE and talked to a nurse (Nurse B) there. She actually mentioned that my results could be somewhat inaccurate since the test was done after 8 back to back medicated cycles. I almost started laughing/crying/screaming/ and hyperventilating at once. Have a mentioned that I hate my current clinic and can’t wait to leave them behind. I told Nurse B that Nurse A said it was fine if I tested this cycle. Nurse B went on to say that she didn't think it would have a huge impact but it could elevate the test some. (So where does this leave me?) I guess I'll repeat my FSH next month and hope it comes back lower. I really hope for my sake and J’s sake that my test doesn't come back even worse. I'm now consuming a crap load of wheatgrass/ barley grass b/c it's supposed to help w/ FSH.

Some of the positives that J kept reminding me of continuously (he should have taped himself and played it on repeat) since it bounced off my head as fast as he shot them off at me. Well, eventually the comments did penetrate and he's right. High FSH'ers usually respond poorly to the stims. I responded very well and produced many eggs on the normal amount of stims used w/ IUI. I was actually told at one point that I'd be an excellent IVF candidate. I also know I shouldn't give my current RE's words any weight. He's proven over and over that he's incompetent. He tells me I have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on my own and a 16% chance of IVF ever working. How did he come up with these numbers? I think he pulled them out of his ass. We've never done IVF... so how does he know how my eggs will fertilize? Or what the quality is? He has no idea! If I were to make it to ER w/ a few decent (hopefully good) embies... how could I still have a 16% chance? Does he mean I have a high chance of cancellation b/c I might be a poor responder since many high FSH'ers are? I've proven that wrong 6 times........ they wanted 3-4 follies for each IUI. I produced up to 7 mature ones w/ many other smaller ones.

So... I'm back on my feet and fighting for my right to have a family. I've talked to a few women that go to the clinic's I'm looking at. I've heard such great things. I’m leaning towards one in particular b/c the doctor is supposed to be extremely caring, He’s dedicated his life to this and will leave no stone unturned. He’s written a book and I just finished reading it. I like what I read. He works with a lot of difficult cases or women that have many failed IVF’s. I’ve e-mailed and called his clinic many times already as I try to get everything ready for our consult. Everyone there is beyond helpful and friendly. This brings some of my hope back.
These past 10 days have also showed me that my husband wants children just as much as I do. He wants us to go forward and do whatever it takes. I recognized the fact that he would encourage me to continue w/ IVF even if I decided I didn't want to risk it. I always knew he wanted children but part of me thought he was going along with all of this for me. I think I needed to see that he was just as committed. I need him to fight and partake right next to me. I cannot go through this alone. I need help and encouragement and many many many hugs. I need reassurance…constant reassurance. Pretending to be strong and in control has gone out the window. I need him to tell me it will be okay. That he’ll always be there no matter what and that we’ll always have each other. I had to tell him what I need. Men don’t always get it… they aren’t mind readers no matter how much we want them to be. I also had to tell him (and this was important) that I need more help. I know he’s the “bread earner” and works long days but I need him to make some of the calls, and do some of the research. He has to make the time…

With his hand entwined in mine we can get through this…


Thank you for all of your encouragement. You guys get it and are a great source of comfort to me. I can't begin to tell you what this community of women (and Smarshy) has meant to me.