End of this chapter...
My 6th and final IUI didn't work... came as no big surprise.
Yet I still cried and felt crushed. My heart aches as I write this.
Tears continue to fall...
I've had:
1 Laparoscopy
1 HSG (dye test)
2 Clomid Cycle's
6 IUI's w/ Injectibles
…and nothing to show for it. We started the testing process in Oct of last year and started IF treatments shortly after. I've lost a year of my life to infertility. I've done at least sixty shots between the Gon*al-f and Ovidr*el and I haven't even done an IVF cycle yet.
We’ve secured our home equity loan and will be hoping to start IVF #1 in a few months. I pray that we get accepted to a shared risk or plan package deal. We'll be paying for everything out of pocket and that scares the hell out of me.
I'm not excited about IVF at all. I'm actually dreading it. This concerns me. Shouldn't I be excited since this will be our best chance at bringing home a baby? I don't look forward to the many medications, the IM shots, the PIO, the side effects, the stress and fear, the travel... (both of the clinics we are looking at are 3-4 hours away).
I hope to take these few months and heal from this past year. I want to feel like myself again physically and emotionally. I want to focus on something other than IF which may still be hard since we'll have consults and possible further testing to do before our IVF starts. I'll be sending our info packets and medical records next week.
To be honest, at this exact moment I'm devastated... I never imagined that we would be in this situation. I'm still in some form of denial. And I'm tired, so tired. I just need someone else to handle everything for a little while. I'm counting on J to carry me for a little while until I'm back on my two feet.
posted by Keeping The Faith @ 2:36 PM
24 comments
24 Comments:
good luck! you are in my prayers
Faith, I'm so so sorry. I kept checking and checking your blog today hoping to find good news from you. I'm so sad for you.
Listen, you really should not be judging yourself for not being excited about IVF..I mean, why the F&CK would you be excited about IVF? IVF SUCKS! It's not IVF you want, it's a baby! I really think it's natural to dread a process that is painful, and emotionally and physically draining.
Some time off has done wonders for Mrs. Smarshy, it reminded her of who she is and who she can be. I hope it does the same for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Hi Faith,
I'm so sorry for everything for you. I know how you feel. I too am so scared about IVF and can't even face the decision. I'm sorry for all of this. This isn't fair and I wish nothing more than for you to not have to endure all of this.
Hugs. Big Hugs.
Kate
I'm just so sorry Faith. It's not fair.
I know I was completely and utterly terrified by ivf before we started, now 3 years and umpteen cycles later it's become just a part of my life. All I'm trying to say is, it will be ok. You guys will do it, because you love each other and you want to have a baby. That's all we all want.... x
Hi, thank you so much for your nice comment on my blog. I am so sorry to hear that the IUI didn't work. I hope your few months that you take off are good and give you the break you need. I hope your Ip*d has songs that make you happy when you're running and I hope your husband gives you the support you need. I'm feeling better, H and I had a big talk last night and he is just worried about me. This is such a shitty thing to have to go through, I wish ... it was different, that it was shorter, that there were always happy endings. I hope your IVF goes really well and really smoothly. I wouldn't be excited either.
I'm still amazed how IF just sucks away a year at a time. I hope you do get to heal during this time off. I'm so sorry this IUI didn't work for you. Hopefully you will only have to do IVF once!
Hi Faith,
First of all, I am so sorry that your IUI didn't work out. I, too, knew what was coming with mine but it still feels like a punch to the gut when you get the official news.
Before I knew for sure about my BFN, I was semi-excited about IVF since I knew our chances for success would be so much greater. Now that I am facing it for real, I feel the same way you do. I am scared, overwhelmed, anxious...just not me. And I haven't even had my 1st meeting with my RE about it yet to get our plan of action. I am hoping that makes me feel better but I have a feeling I'll just feel more overwhelmed and probably break down in his office at the thought of what we are facing.
We also are paying out of pocket for everything. I'm trying to think of how to tell our family that we just won't be able to have a very big Christmas this year...we've got to save.
My heart just aches for you, me, and all of the other wonderful, deserving women (and their spouses)out there facing this. It's not fair but there just has to be a reason for it.
I hope that you are able to get back to feeling yourself again during your break. I really need to do the same.
Wishing you all the best...we'll get through this together!!!
I am so so sorry, Faith. ***HUGS***
I'm sorry your IUI didn't work. Paying for everything out-of-pocket sucks, maybe we should start some sort of grass root campaign to get mandated insurance coverage for infertility treatments in CA. At least it would be a distraction...
Faith,
I'm so sorry that is the end of this chapter. I understand you feeling like you have "wasted" a year, but there was no way to know if one of those cycles would have been the one?! I so wish it had.
We are at our 2 yr TTC "anniversary" too - and a year ago I went to my primary care dr to start the testing... kind of amazing and depressing that the year is already over with.
Like Smarshy said, you should not be excited about the IVF itself. It is really not fun. Yes, it is exciting sometimes to know that I'm doing *something* useful toward having a child (considering that our chances on our own are basically 0%). But I won't lie and say that I'm excited about PIO shots in the butt and worrying about how many eggs, will they fertilize, will it work, etc. I'm not. It is painful and stressful and unpredictable. You will also have the added stress of the travel involved, so I can understand your hesitation (BTW - let me know which clinic you end up choosing.) I was really scared of IVF when we learned it was our only option. I got used to the idea over time, which is not to say I'm excited about it, but accepting it, and excited about the potential that it brings.
The money thing is a huge scary thing. I really get angry when I think about the fact that insurance coverage in CA for infertility is just plain sucky/nonexistent. I just don't understand the logic. I think the insurers just have everyone under their thumb here. And it is a horrible feeling to feel like you're gambling for a chance to get pregnant.
In the end, we do what we have to do, financially, mentally, spiritually etc. You will make it through this - and J will carry you for a while until you feel you can do it again on your own.
I think you are right to take some time off mentally and maybe take a little road trip over a weekend? I know that those little getaways have really helped me. You need to do whatever you need to do to prepare for next year.
Faith, I'm so sorry you're at this place. Here's my {HUG} for you and J. Please keep in touch. We are here for you!
Faith,
Sometimes it is better to step away and get yourself heathy and whole again.
Like pretty much everyone is saying, IVF pretty much sucks, especially since there are no guarantees.
IVF is such an emotional, physical and monentary drain.
Take all the time you and J need.
Oh Faith, I'm sorry. Even when we're expecting a negative, until we see it we are still harboring hope. We all do that and what you are feeling about starting IVF is not unusual. It's scary and on top of that it's expensive!
I'll be thinking about you.
Hang-in there. We are all here to help anyway we can.
Faith,
oh sweetie I am so sorry. I know this hurt, I know how it feels to be standing on the edge looking down on the IVF and wondering "what the hell are we doing?" But I think for both of us it's the anticipation of the IVF that is scary, I have written that I am feeling trepidation because of what lies ahead of me , instead of knowning that once I am in the middle of it, I will be fine, I will calm, I will be the eye of the storm. You will be too. I promise you that, mostly because we'll be here cheering you on, hugging you through cyberspace, letting you vent and praying, all the time praying.
I know there are no good words Faith, but HOPE is a word that I bring up because it's something that I am trying desperately to hang on to, to find while I take this break and regroup. I am "Hoping" that you can find some too.
BIG HUGS SWEETIE
Faith,
My heart goes out to you. I could have written pretty much that same post 4 or 5 months ago.
I know everyone's cycle is different, so of course yours may not be the same as mine. But in case it helps at all, I'll tell you I felt the same way - dread, fear - going into our IVF cycle. But then when the cyst check u/s was done and we got the all clear, suddenly I was anxious (and excited) to begin. I called my husband from the parking lot of the RE's office to say "I want to start the shots today, I don't want to have to wait a couple more weeks!" Believe me, those were words he (nor I) *ever* thought would come out of my mouth. :)
I feared the side effects, too, especially because I'm prone to migraines. I didn't have any problems. Actually, I felt better while on the meds than I had in years, probably because my hormones were more balanced on the meds than they are when I'm not on them.
The PIO shots were probably the thing I dreaded the most, and they weren't bad at all. I lit a scented candle, played some relaxing music on my mp3 player, iced a little beforehand and then used a heating pad (on low/medium) afterward, and it was fine - no lumps, no significant soreness.
I hope you are able to heal and rest during these next few months. You'll know when you're ready to do IVF - your heart will tell you.
Take care and hugs,
Rebecca
I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I felt the same way when we decided to move forward with IVF. I was sad, angry, and resentful that we had to do this when so many other women just seem to pop out babies with no problem. I also felt like why even try. Nothing else had worked. I didn't think I could deal with more BFNs.
Well, I just started my first IVF cycle and I vacillate between being hopeful and excited about potentially having a baby soon and being angry and resentful that it has to be this hard for me to have a baby. It doesn't seem fair.
I hope you feel better soon! I also hope you get accepted into a shared risk program. I also live in CA and it sucks that there's no fertility coverage here. I don't want to put a price tag on having a baby, but it is expensive and the shared risk program has given us some degree of financial comfort.
Awww Faith! Im so sorry, why can't it be easy for us? So lame! As for IVF, now that I've been through the entire process it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. If I can do it, ANYONE can. And its also one of those things that you start the cycle thinking that it'll be so long, so many shots and then suddenly you're like hey! we've already done a weeks worth of shots! We're almost done! The PIO sucks but some docs only want you to do the suppositories so who knows you might not have to do them! I remember feeling that way about IVF too, but now that I've done it I'm glad and it wasn't so bad.
I'm so sorry things ended this way...and, thank you for stopping by to leave a kind comment on my blog. All of this would suck so much more without the sweet communities online....
Very best of luck with IVF. I hope it's just the thing you need. :)
Thank you for your kind words to me today. Thankfully I am feeling much better. I am sure you have mixed emotions about starting IVF...It is scarey and exciting all at the same time. Keep you eye on the prize. As I keep reminding my DH, the prize is the same on matter how we get there. I am praying that you get there on your first IVF cycle! :)
I'm sorry.
I was scared and dreading IVF too. Something about making that leap into something so freaking clinical... for me it was like admitting defeat.
It's easy to go years before you realize how much IF has robbed from your life. If you recognize it now and know you need some time off to heal, I say, take all the time you need.
I'm so sorry Faith. My recent failed IUI attempt just left me devastated. Although I'm still in this chapter, I feel your dread and anxiety in proceeding to the next chapter. Because although I know the chances are higher with IVF, ART just gives no guarantees.
Hang in there and take time off to recharge. ART is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. You deserve a break from this chaos. Focus on yourself and your husband. Spend quality time together and do what you enjoy.
You're in my prayers.
Thank you for such a nice comment on my blog! I wanted to let you know that I put up an email link just for you :)
Thinking of you. Hope you're doing well.
I am so sorry, Faith.
I know exactly how you feel about moving onto IVF. I hoped so much that I would never have to go there. And I'm not that excited about IVF - there are moments that I feel that this will finally bring us a baby - but I'm not happy about all the shots, the side effects, etc. This truly does suck. And I understand how you feel about paying for everything out of pocket as we're doing the same - we got a home equity loan too to pay for this. I understand how you feel like you wasted time, as I am continually dealing with that too.
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I wish so much things could be different for you. This is all unfair.
*HUG*
I wish things were different for you. Take your time to heal. Trust me - hope creeps up in the unlikeliest of situations.
I will be hoping for some healing and rest over the next few months.
Love to you, Faith.
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