Vent Session*
Yes, I know I signed up for being a stay at home Mom...even a SAHM w/ twins. I wanted this more than anything. I still do. I love it. I love time w/ my two darlings. I try really hard to be the best I can be w/ them. I want to be better than any day care or nanny. These are my kids. I play w/ them... plan activity time...exercise time. I even gave them full body, ten minute massages yesterday that they loved. It is my job to have them thrive...to be stimulated...to grow strong and healthy. I think I'm pretty good at this job. This is a full time job w/ loads of overtime.
It's everything else that has me frustrated and irritated to no end. I want to be super woman and do it all but really we all have limits. I could skimp on the mothering and let them lay in their bouncers longer or have them nap longer during the day (which in turn means really lousy nights) or something has to give. Currently I take care of almost 5 month old twins... this includes twice weekly on average medical appts that have been piling up like mad. We have physical therapy, we have Children's Valley Hospital, we have monthly immunizations due to our personal vaccine schedule, check-ups, etc...etc... not to mention my own appts on top of that. So lets see....the short "daily" list w/ parenting infant twins...includes, cleaning and making bottles, feedings, burpings, diaper changes, comforting (lots of comforting and soothing), stimulating and entertaining, etc...etc...
On top of this... we have our house listed for sale. I have to spend an hour or two minimum every morning running around like crazy... trying to get everything perfect. I make the bed, I clean all the counter tops, I vacuum, I dust, I pick up dog poop outside...then before an actual showing... I run around and hide anything and everything. DO YOU KNOW what a pain in my ass this is w/ two babies. We have exercisers to hide in the garage...bouncy seats to hide in the closet, toys to throw in the playpen... dog and cat bowls (even a litter box) to hide so its not so obvious we have so many "inside"pets.... then the dogs are even hidden. They go in the dog run on the side of the house or if its raining like yesterday I actually put them in the car and park it on the side of the street. I usually don't leave during a showing b/c its just to difficult but I try to have the babies fed and diapered so they're in happy moods. Then we pace around waiting for the expectant "buyer" so that right after they leave I can get all of the baby stuff out again and we can get on w/ our regularly scheduled program. As you can see we're desperate to sell our house.
And let's see... on top of the above mentioned. I handle all of the bills..including medical claims. The bills aren't too big a deal... but the calls to the insurance about incorrect claims have definitely raised my blood pressure a time or two. In fact I had a call in to them yesterday and am waiting on a response. I also make my husbands lunch every single day. Not a big deal..but I take a little time w/ it b/c I try to have cut up vegetables, a dairy product, a healthy sandwich, etc. all ready for him. I also try and succeed most of the time at having something ready for dinner. It is usually simple but I try. I also feed and take care of the pets. This means the daily poop clean up outside and feedings. I try to spend a little time nurturing and petting them too since they've lost their ranking big time in the household since the twins have arrived. They went from being extremely spoiled to being on the side lines now and I feel bad about that.
So many of these things are "not a big deal" but when they are all added up they are a big deal. I know I'm not even listing everything. I just know I'm getting so irritated. And it's pretty much taken out on my husband. He works long days...really long days to provide for our family so I really can't complain that he's doing nothing. He's great w/ the kids...great w/ me...etc. But... oh man.. when we go to bed two hours after he gets home and he starts snoring loudly the minute his head hits the pillow.. I am so annoyed. I lay there night after night w/ thoughts running through my head. I think about the day...about what needs to be done tomorrow. I worry about our house situation. I think...I think when I should be sleeping. I think. He snores. So irritating. When J gets home...he eats. I rarely eat. That is my fancy trick for being so skinny (sorry to disappoint you all)... I forget to eat. He comes home some days and I realize that I've had nothing to eat but some crackers all day... I've made him lunch and dinner but when it comes to me... nada. Is this J's fault...NO. J's also regular in the bathroom dept. I'm not...so totally not. Good thing b/c I don't have time to go #2. J gets that bathroom visit each night after dinner. (TMI)
so what is my point... I'm jealous over J going to the bathroom... everyday. How sad is that. He gets to read a magazine in there. I ordered a book a month ago b/c I want to be a part of a book club and I have yet to read past the first page. Who am I kidding... I will never be able to read that book. I have two months of magazines that I've never had a chance to look at. I get irritated when J's sleeping and I'm worrying over every little thing. How unfair is that...so do I want both of us tossing and turning w/ worry? I actually feel guilty and then mad for feeling guilty for asking J to watch the kids so I can take shower. My down-time is washing my dirty hair and shaving my hairy legs 2x week. Or when I get lucky and J watches the boys so I can get out to do the grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. And even worse when I get home and the babies have been sleeping for two hours so I'm right back on duty the second I get home.
Do you see the problem? This isn't J's fault but I'm frustrated and I'm taking it out on him. He has so little free time too... So there is no answer... no solution to this situation and I just want to cry b/c right now...this very second... I need to be cleaning the house and here I am wasting time writing on my blog.
And I have another Freaking HEADACHE!
*(Written a few hours later) This is what I needed today. To vent. I needed to let it all out and let it go so that tomorrow I can have a better day. There is a solution. It will get better. We'll either sell the house or we won't but having it on the market will be temporary. I enjoy the kids more each day... they are truly incredible. The slightest thought of not having them breaks me out in cold sweats. And J... what can I say. I am so lucky to have J. He is so understanding. He has a side too... I'm sure his vent would be longer than mine :-) but we love one another and we will look back on all this and see many more good days than bad.
Labels: 3-6 months
posted by Keeping The Faith @ 6:56 AM
15 comments
15 Comments:
I totally, totally, totally understand. Thank you for writing it so well...
I only have one and I am working part-time but I totally have the same feelings you do. And the guilt about taking the shower?? Why do we feel that way? They are the husbands kids too -- but it just feels like it is my responsiblity.
I wish I had a solution -- I don't. But please know, you are not alone in these feelings.
My dear I understand. And I am sending you out so many hugs. For some reason, 5 months was a hard time for me. The naps were so sporatic, I had NO down time, and the kids seemed to be awake ALL THE TIME!
I have no idea what you husband does for a job, so I might be wrong. But I've done both. I stayed at home with my twins. And I am now back at work full time. And work full time is a CAKE WALK compared to being with the kids. Don't feel bad asking for some time for yourself. You need it for your sanity, and you need it to be a good mommy. And your DH sounds like a keeper, so he will understand. Even if it's an hour on a weekend to NOT go food shopping, but to go take your magazines to Starbucks, and have a coffee by yourself. You've earned it.
It will get better everyday. Vent when you need to, and you will get through it.
WOW !!! Bless your heart. I am expecting twin girls VERY soon and am pretty nervous. I feel like I have done everything to prepare for the babies including assembly of all things baby -- while my husband sits back and says -- "well that looks nice". He works and will be a great dad too BUT the worry eats me alive and it does not seem to phase him. Drives me up the wall. Hang in there and good luck -- hopefully your house sells soon so that you will have that weight off your shoulders.
Lots of hugs, I've been there and totally understand. I get so jealous of my husband for getting to take a 20 minute shower every morning before work!
Hope that things get better!
Oh Faith I totally understand. I just can't get over that you make his lunch everyday. You are superwoman!!! I can't manage to keep my house clean, make dinner or eat and I ONLY HAVE ONE BABY. And that always happens to me too when I do leave the house the baby sleeps the entire time for my husband and then I'm back at it again. I think after going through all we went through to have our babies we feel that we don't have a "right" to complain. At least that's how I feel sometimes but it's hard and we need to vent sometimes. It will get better.
p.s. would you mind emailing me your info on the vaccines. When you have time :-) NO rush! I can't find that book you recommended by Dr. Cave anywhere.
Girlfriend, you have the right to vent. so go for it! You are working so hard and it is normal to have these feelings. Give yourself some grace. we have a way of holding ourselves to a higher standard that we would others.
hang in there, this season in your life will pass.
oh honey, I wish I could come give you a day or even an afternoon to yourself. It sounds like you really need it! As much as I hate working and leaving Jake at daycare it does give me time to myself and time around grownups (or people who are supposed to be grownups). I admit that sometimes I run to the store before I go pick the baby up. It is hard to be so responsible all the time.
You do need to try and eat and poop though! Think how cranky the boys get when they need to eat or poop.
Holy crap, you do a lot of stuff!
Hope the house gets off the market soon. That is too stressful in and of itself.
Bea
My twin girls are the same age as your boys. A month ago I was feeling so overwhelmed that everything was on my shoulders. I was so lucky to find a nanny that comes in once a week for about 4 hours. I get to go out and just think...with no background noise or distractions. I felt so guilty at even entertaining the thought of leaving my girls so I could have "me" time. But I realized that a mommy that takes care of herself is a happier mommy and a better mommy. If that's a possibility for you, I say get out and go to Starbucks or something...even if it's only an hour! You will see a difference! Hang in there. You are doing great.
Without a doubt, you are putting yourself under too much pressure! This, of course, comes from a hypocrite but years of therapy have helped me to see this in myself and start to (slighty!) change it. You need a little time to nurture yourself, no matter what it takes. Can you ask J to help with one more thing around the house in the evening? Even to give you 15 minutes alone at night so that you can go into the bedroom and do some deep breathing and/or yoga postures? What about asking a teenager in the neighborhood to help with the babies and the laundry/clean up for an hour or two after school? It sounds like even a little help would take some of the pressure off. You DESERVE some time for yourself. And my sister has told me from day one of motherhood that nurturing yourself is crucial to being a good mother.
I hope my assvice was ok since I don't yet have children..... Just worried about the stress you are under....
XOXO
There was just an error when I hit submit so I'm not sure if my last comment went through.
I wish I could tell you I understand but I don't have any children, yet!
It's very healthy for you to vent. And it's much better to vent here in this environment rather than in the "real world". DH sounds like a wonderful partner and loving father, I'm sure he apprecaites everythign you do for your family.
Hang in there girly, you are SUPERMOM!
((HUGS))
WE all totally understand!!! VEnt when you need to, we are here to listen!!!
Man, you ARE superwoman!! Perfectly normal to vent like that, think you articulated wonderfully how many of us feel, I know I do, and I only have 1!!! I really hope the house gets sold soon, and it's great that you know "this too will pass"
Many hugs
Boy, we have all been there. Anyone who says they can do it all is a liar or has a nanny.
I do the "think, think, think" thing at night, too. It's so irritating. I try and will myself to sleep but it isn't easy.
It does get easier as they get older. And I have 3 kids and 3 dogs (one baby of each) and my husband is deployed, so I totally understand. It does seem like the job I WANT to be doing and what I actually manage to pull off are pretty far apart some days.
Thinking of you!
Here's a very important piece of information.... You are not alone! What you have described is almost every sahm's vent. No, we don't to change it, and yes we are thrilled to be sahm's. But, some how we loose the chance to be ourselves. I also will warn you, and maybe you'll skip this phase, but there were many nights that I stayed up late worrying about how I was going to do this all as a single mom. Dh and I started bickering quite a bit in the first year. All for the reason's you mentioned. What I found out was that 90% of the mulitple moms I met, had the same problem. It's all about your reality, his perception and communication. Take an hour or more for yourself on the weekend to sit quietly. Even if you just go sit at the library and read a magazine. It's like running a car, if you don't refuel it, you will eventually just plain run out. Feel free to contact me at anytime.
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