Trigger Day

So... I've been trying to recover from my crappy week. Nothing has gone right. Everything has gone wrong. I'm starting to heal from losing my dog although I still miss him terribly. Today I had my b/w and u/s. I drive an hour to my RE's office since there are no RE's in my town. When I arrived they told me that I mixed up my days and my appt was tomorrow. I showed them my appt card that they filled out which showed today's date. The clerk back-peddled and said she meant I was rescheduled for tomorrow and that they tried to call me. I pointed to my cell phone and said this is my one and only phone and no one has tried to call me. I seriously proceeded to throw a fit and yell that I didn't drive an hour, or take a zillion shots, or pay an ass load of money for me to come back tomorrow when I more than likely would need to trigger tonight (and I soon found out I was right). I could feel my heart pounding and knew my face was flushed. I was so pissed. Mostly b/c they were trying to pull a fast one on me. It would have been much better if they said they screwed up. I refused to leave and finally they said they would get one of the other doctors to see me. I've had it w/ my RE's office. While I waited I went outside and paced like a caged animal while I called and bitched to J about the incompetent Re's office. It kills me that I don't trust that office, when so much depends on it. Our finances are pored into that place, not to mention our time, energy, hope, our future children or lack there of...

Adding this to the pile of already terrible happenings made me feel like all the Karma in the world is against me and I need to just live under a rock until it passes... but then I had my u/s with a different RE (who I liked) and...... HOPE makes an appearance.

... you will not believe how many follies I have. I have 7 mature follicles measuring between 19-21mm. I also have 10 or so smaller ones. My estrodiol is 2200 and my lining is 11.5mm. The doctor sat me down and warned me about all of the risks. He said very few clinics would allow me to trigger but he was willing since this was our 4th Injectibles/IUI cycle, but only if I was aware and acknowledged the risks. He said I have a greater risk of OHSS (over-stimulation) and of multiples.

He mentioned that I'd be an ideal candidate for IVF since I respond so well to the stims. Funny since my FSH blood work came back elevated at 9.8 in December and I was told that I might have a diminished ovarian reserve...

Anyway- right when I was told the numbers I felt this amazing amount of HOPE rain down on me. She reared her ugly little head again. I mean...really...shouldn't my odds be decent w/ 7 mature follies? I didn't even care at that moment about risk factors. I just wanted to hear that it would work. Now that I'm home and letting it sink in, I'm starting to get worried. 7 follies is a lot! And my estrodiol is really high. I don't want a major case of OHSS. Can't that be deadly? I'm obviously going to have to research this on the internet when I'm done w/ this post. As for the multiples. J and I have discussed it and we would do selective reduction if need be. I guess we'll worry about it when we get there.

So am I crazy? Should I even be excited? Nothing has worked so far so maybe I should boot HOPE out the front door. I trigger tonight and we will have the IUI on Saturday morning. I hope J's counts are good. His count has gone up each month for each IUI. I put him on Fertility Blend for Men if you interested. He'll have 7 or so targets this month. I'm already dreading the 2WW. It gets worse and worse for me each month. Maybe b/c we are now nearing the end of the road. Options are limited since money is limited. Plus- how much can a person take. My emotions have been through the grinder over and over.

I have left all dignity and pride at the door. I'm pleading for you to send good thoughts. Please send prayers my way. I don't know how much more I can take.