3 months old already...

My babies turned 3 months old yesterday. It seems like the days are just flying by and they're getting so much bigger. I want it all to slow down. Well..I'll keep the fact that they're going longer at night now but the rest of it can slow down :-) I already had to get my 3-6 month old clothing ready. They'll be switching to that size soon. They are also about to outgrow size 1 diapers.

I just love being a Mother. Nothing in the world even comes close to filling me with such joy and fulfillment. If J and I had loads of money than we'd try and have a house full of children. Four...four would be nice. More than that and I might not have the quality time I'd want to spend with each one. We won't be having four children. The number one reason is because we can't afford it. Maybe if we lived in a 900 sq ft house and all shared one bed or moved to the mid-west. (we'd also have to get pregnant naturally "ha ha" b/c more IVF fees are not in our budget) Even then we wouldn't be able to offer them the opportunity to have some of their university fees paid for or have any family vacations. That wouldn't be fair. I don't want that. I look forward to trips to Disneyland, the beach, skiing, etc. So that leaves the discussion of what about a 3rd...a 3rd child. J thinks odds numbers are bad. One of the children will feel left out...most likely the 3rd one since the first two are twins and are likely to have a special bond. I'm actually quite annoyed that I'm having this discussion right now but I have to. You see...we have one lone embryo on ice. Just one (day 6 excellent quality blast) and the year long storage contract is up next month. We have to decide if we're going to pay $1500 to store it for one more year. After that you have to move it to another storage facility b/c Dr. Z won't store for more than 2 years total. The thoughts of how that embryo could be another Matthew or Andrew filter through my mind. What if they were the one sitting in storage and waiting for us to make a decision. I cannot imagine life without them. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it. It's sad that I even have to think about such things. I just want to enjoy my babies. My two beautiful sons that we worked so hard to get. I just went through 9 rough months and many infertility treatments for goodness sakes. If I never see another needle it'll be too soon. If we had no embryos on ice than I wouldn't be thinking of this. If we wanted to have another child later down the road then we'd go off birth control and see what happened. I wouldn't expect a miracle but you never know and I'd be fine with whatever cards we were dealt. I never want to put my body through another infertility treatment. I want to enjoy my life. I felt like my life was on hold these past two years while our entire focus was on conceiving.

So what to do? We've pretty much decided to pay for another year of storage. What's another $1500 in the scheme of things. We just paid that amount on a repair for our car. And I truly can't bear the thought of having that embryo destroyed. We actually have it being donated to science if we don't keep up the contract but the end result is the same. So now...in one years time we'll have to sit down and have this discussion again. Will we move it to a storage facility or actually attempt a frozen cycle when my boys are just over a year old. Dr. Z told us we'd have a 90% chance of this one embryo surviving the thaw process and then a 25% chance of it implanting and going all the way to birth. I think my biggest fear is what this embryo will bring out in me. I will most likely want to try using it. I'll want to give that embryo a chance. Now...the question is will I be able to leave it at that? And what all will this one embryo entail. Will I have to do IVIg (immune suppression), and all of the other medications again? What if it doesn't work (25% success means a 75% chance of failure). Will I be okay with that?... or will I be baby crazy once again and wanting to do anything to have another. I don't think that'll happen but what if it did? That wouldn't be fair to my children or my husband or to myself.

I wish I was just done. That I knew 100% that I didn't want any more children. This entire topic makes me so uncomfortable right now. I'm so lucky to have my two sons. I hate that part of me wished we didn't have that one frozen embryo b/c then I wouldn't be having this debate in my head. God- that sounds so selfish. I should be so thankful that I have one to use if we want to later on. I am thankful...don't get me wrong. I just wish Dr. Z gave you two years of storage initially so you didn't have to think about this right after giving birth.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow did I get off topic or what. Back to my 3 month old boys. Matthew still spits up like crazy but doesn't seem as unhappy now that he's on Zantac twice a day. He's smiling more often and loves to hear his mother singing to him. Andrew still takes a long time to eat but once he's done he rarely spits up. He smiles non-stop especially when he looks at the "wall hanging" that is above the changing table. He just loves looking at it. It's so cute to see his wide eyed joy.

At this point Andrew's eyes have started to change color. They are turning more brown. Matthew still has bright blue eyes. I think there's a good chance he'll keep them. He's definitely much fairer in coloring that his brother. Andrew has the olive skin and darker hair whereas Matthew has the lighter skin, dark blonde hair and blue eyes.

The nighttime sleeping has gotten much better lately. We've had a couple of six hour stretches and even one or two seven hour stretches. Of course this is from the start of the feeding to the start of the next feeding so by the time they finish eating, get burped, changed and settled for the night we have only 5-6 hours but that is still a HUGE improvement over those 1-3 hour stretches we were getting the first two months. So they are actually eating less than they were a month ago since we've lost one of the feedings. So at this point we're doing an average of 5 ounces 6 times a day.

Next week I take Andrew to Valley Children's hospital again to have his kidney checked. I really hope the fluid has gone down. They will be during some more intensive testing to see what's causing the fluid buildup. I believe they'll be doing some X-rays (u/s) while a catheter is inserted. Hopefully its not painful for my little guy.

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas. This was a special year for us. Babies first Christmas and all. I look forward to the years to come and all of the many memories we'll be making.

11 weeks old

Mommyhood w/ twins is becoming more manageable. I have a routine down that seems to work relatively well. I'm hoping to improve as time goes by so that I can accomplish a little more with my day than just feeding, burping and diapering two babies w/ no time to spare. I actually took a bath today while the babies were in their bouncy seats right next to the bathtub. Now this wasn't a long soak in the tub w/ bubble bath. This was a quick lather up, shave my legs and get out in a hurry but still...it's a step up. I have no dried spit up on me at the moment. I'm hoping I can move up to applying a little make-up and putting on something other than sweats sometime in the near future. Actually sweats would be an improvement over wearing the same pajamas for two days in a row. Oh Boy....

My weekends are whirlwinds. J's home then so I try to get as much done as I can. I'm running in a dozen different directions at once as I try to vacuum, dust, do laundry, iron, cook enough for a few days, run any necessary errands, etc...etc... When J's home (on weekends and at night) he feeds and diapers one as I do the other. I am so thankful that he continues to help me w/ the middle of the night feeding. Not that he's been given a choice :-) The boys are starting to sleep a little longer. They still eat every 3 hours like clockwork during the day but we get a 5 to 5 1/2 hour stretch at night. I figure it's been about 6 months since I slept through an entire night and actually had 7 or even dream of a heavenly 8 hours of slumber. I was up constantly during that last trimester of my pregnancy w/ bathroom visits, heartburn and little feet jabbing up in my ribcage.

Both babies are smiling everyday now. It just melts my heart to see those huge grins. Finally...after weeks of constant sad, crying faces. Interesting to me that we're born into this world crying and have to learn to smile and laugh. I think we're on the verge of hearing a laugh or chuckle.

I'm trying to interact and play w/ both boys everyday. Even if its just a few minutes on their floor gym "mat". I usually prop them up on a boppy pillow and we look at the toys and flashing lights. I also try to have tummy time at some point during the day. This only lasts for a few minutes b/c they don't like it for long since they're not used to being on the stomachs. I get down to their level and talk to them as they hold their heads up and work on strengthening their chest and arm muscles. That seems to sooth them some so they last a little longer.

Andrew is such a slow eater...he wants to take his time....more like take an eternity and could care less than Matthew is waiting in the wings for his turn. He will eat every last drop and stays at the same slow.... take a sip, play w/ the nipple like a pacifier, take a sip, ponder world events, take another slow leisurely sip ...pace the entire time. On average it takes 45 minutes to feed Andrew 5 ounces. I've tried limiting how long I let him eat to see if he'll learn to eat faster but no such luck and he'll cry up a storm in you take away the bottle before he's done. He also needs to be burped several times during the feeding. He makes this deep in his chest grunting sound that means he needs to be burped. One thing about Andrew...he's slower than slow but he won't lose a drop of milk...no spit up for this guy. Whereas Matthew basically eats the bottle 3 times faster than his brother and then proceeds to throw it all up projectile style. This guy will spit up during the feeding, immediately following the feeding and even an hour or two after he's finished eating. Nothing helps...I hold him upright for at least 20 or more minutes after each feeding and he's now on Zantac for what the doctor calls GERD to see if that will help. I think every item in my family room has been hit w/ spit up. I know I sure have. A few days ago I was trying to stop the flow of milk that started continuously pouring out of his mouth and nose as I walked back from their nursery and quickly sat down to get a better handle of the situation. I immediately noticed that my entire behind felt wet. I got up and found that Matthew must have spit up a bunch of milk over my shoulder and down my back to land mostly on my ass. And now I literally had spilled milk all over my recliner from where I sat down. This was the same day that both babies either peed on me or pooped all over the changing table during a diaper changing and one of my dogs vomited on my carpet. The minute J walked in the door from work that day I escaped for the longest bathroom break of my life. I sat on the toilet lid wondering just how long I could get away w/ being in there.

I've read about other twin mom's that feed both babies a bottle at once. Not sure how they manage that. I've thought about propping them up in the boppy pillows and trying but I'm worried about how I'd manage w/ the milk that escapes and drips down their face when they eat, the spit up and how I'd burp them mid-feed. Sounds like it could turn into a disaster. I also like the one on one time we have...if only it didn't take quite so long.

Now on to the topic of poop. For those of you who are exclusively breastfeeding. You have no idea how great you have it in the poop department. I was in for a shock when I started supplementing some of the feedings w/ formula. We went from yellow seedy poops that were pretty easy to clean up and an odor that wasn't pleasant but it didn't make your eyes water either. Now we've got this disgusting nasty dark green pasty slime that makes me want to run from the room. And the smell...on my god...the smell. The breast milk poop is like roses in comparison. It made me want to reconsider the switch to formula.

I am weaning to formula right now. The mastitis was bad...really bad. I did the antibiotics for 7 days and it still came right back. I had strong intravenous antibiotics on top of the oral ones and that still didn't take care of it. Finally my doctor said I had an abscess and recommended having it surgically aspirated and drained. I decided to wait a week and see if I could get it under control myself and somehow seem to have manged to do so (hopefully). If it comes back I'll have no choice but to have it aspirated. This killed my milk supply and it's just too much for me to pump 6 hours a day to come up with the 70-80 ounces of milk I need a day. After I got over the massive amount of guilt I felt I am so much happier. Breastfeeding for me was loads of stress. I now have more time to cuddle and play with my babies. I almost made it to 3 months of breastfeeding. Wasn't quite what I'd planned on but it's better than nothing. There is a part of me that's a little sad about the possibility that this could be the last time I ever produce milk that can nourish my children. There is something so touching and beautiful about the fact that we as women can do that.

I have to say...that even though my life is pretty chaotic and a juggling act right now. There is truly no where else in the world that I'd rather be than at home with my two babies.



Matthew having tummy time. Look at how high I can hold my head.


Matthew


Matthew hanging out w/ Mr. Bear who was a gift from Great-Grandma


Andrew


Andrew having tummy time


Andrew and Matthew