No longer winning the battle of the 2ww

Okay- I've handled the 1st week of the 2ww pretty well. My parents can to visit for a few days and that was a nice distraction. I hardly ever see them so we caught up and went shopping, cooked up meals, talked, etc. I felt pretty crappy for a good week after the trigger shot. I always do. I get nauseous, cramping, bloating, sore stomach and ovaries, very tender boobs, headaches, exhaustion, etc... (just a few symptoms lol) and then I usually start to feel a little better. Overall I feel better but still not great. I'm exhausted. No energy at all. I'm hot- really warm all of the time and my boobs are still big....not as sore but very swollen. Now mind you- I know better than to think these are pregnancy symptoms. I'm on that lovely stuff called progesterone and that seems to cause all of these lovely side-effects.... (or...could it maybe be pregnancy symptoms?)...who knows... I will in 3 days.

For me the last week or more specifically the last 4-5 days of the 2WW are the worst. It's either worked or it hasn't and that drives me crazy. Did implantation occur? Damn it- tell me. It's never occurred before so should I even let myself think it might have? I fear that the utter let-down upon seeing the single pink line is nearing. I hope not. There are so many reasons that I pray this worked.

For one...like all of you I want a baby in my arms more than anything. For another we really can't afford to do IVF and we are running out of options. You can only do so many IUI's before you should accept that it's not going to work. We will still do a few more but I know if this month doesn't work we'll have to wrap our minds around the fact that we will most likely have to do IVF in order to have a baby. Another issue is the fact that we want and need to move. J commutes to work. He drives about an hour and 15 minutes each way. He works 10 hour days so he's away 12 1/2 hours a day. That makes for a long week. We have no desire to move to where J is working currently but he will mostly likely be able to transfer to another town in a month or two that is also about an hour away. We are willing to move to this town. If we move J won't have to commute. His day will be much shorter and we will save a ton in gas-money. We spend over $700 a month just in gas bills a month right now. OUCH! And you can't imagine how many miles are being put onto our car. J has put over 70,000 miles on our car in less than two years. I also worry each and every day that he will be in an accident. But J and I know we can't move until I'm pregnant b/c we won't be able to get a new loan for a house AND take out a loan for IVF. This town we are thinking of moving to is more expensive than where we currently live. As most people know housing in California is outrageously expensive. So it will be tough enough just to get into a good neighborhood w/ out the added debt of an IVF loan. Basically- we couldn't. We wouldn't be able to afford it. So we can not move until I'm pregnant. Therefore J will continue to commute. I will continue treatments (ugh) and we will pray that this all works out w/ a happy ending. It will all be worth it in the end if we have a bundle of joy in our arms.

My biggest fear- that this will all be for nothing. I'll go through the shots, the appts, the horrible side effects, the emotions, the expense, etc, and we'll still be childless.

I've been tagged...

Thank you Meri-Ann.... I needed something to keep me occupied during this 2WW. :-) Here goes.

7 things I'd like to do before I die:
1. Have biological children w/ my husband.

2. Hike Half Dome in Yosemite... I'm already an avid hiker, backpacker and camper and would like to continue that lifestyle until my legs no longer support me.

3. Cruise through the Panama Canal.

4. Volunteer regularly for a worthy cause- such as for an animal shelter or charity.

5. Take Art classes.

6. Eventually move to a permanent location (maybe northern CA) and settle in- make lifelong friends, neighbors, etc. I've gone through 9 moves since I was born to different cities/states...not including moves within the same city. I have lost many friendships along the way. Partly my fault b/c I don't keep up w/ the friendships like I should and because distance makes it hard to get together.

7. To remain happily married and holding hands with the man I love for at least 50 years of marriage. I'd love to have a big 50th year anniversary party- I'll be 78 and J will be 82 years old.

7 things that I can't do:
1. Stay quiet during a movie. I always have to ask a million questions about what is going on. (very annoying to others)

2. Be in extremely crowed places (I tend to be claustrophobic)

3. Have a headache free week.

4. Eat anything that contains sulfur as a preservative. I'm severely allergic.

5. Stay bruise free... There is never a time when there isn't a ugly purple and blue bruise on my body. Guess you could say I bruise easily.

6. Work on the Car. Where's the engine?

7. Keep the same hair color... I get bored easily w/ my hair. I've been a very light blonde, dark blonde, red head, brunette, dark almost black hair, etc... you get the picture.

7 things that attracted me to my husband:
1. His presence. He comes off as the silent/strong type until you know him really well and then his silly/funny side comes out.

2. His voice- He has a very deep, masculine voice. Sexy!

3. He's just a good person. Not a mean bone in his body.

4. His intellect...He knows a little about everything. And a lot about most things.

5. I know I'm his number one priority. I come before anything else.

6. He's traditional and protective. Even though I pretend to be independent at times, I feel much better knowing he's taking care of me.

7. Our life in the bedroom (never knew it could be that good) :-)

7 books (or series of books) that I love:
***this is hard b/c I read a lot! I read 2-3 books a week.

1. Anything written by Patricia Cornwell

2. Anything written by Tami Hoag

3. Anything written by Sandra Brown

4. Anything written by James Patterson

5. The Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling

6. Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler

7. Hiking Books for various National Parks put out by Faulcon Guide.

7 Movies I'd watch over and over:
***another hard one b/c I'd rather read than watch a movie and I don't usually watch the same movie twice.

1. J actually watches the Fairly Odd Parents ( a cartoon) and we watch them over and over.... yes that's right and we don't even have kids yet.

2. I've watched all of the Harry Potter Movies twice.

3. I've watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy twice or maybe even 3 times.

4. ELF w/ Will Ferrell- hilarious- this movie made me laugh a lot.

5. There's something about Mary w/ Cameron Diaz

6. Girl, Interrupted w/ Angelina Jolie- really liked this movie.

7. Say Anything w/ John Cusack- this was my favorite 80's romance movie.

7 people I'd like to tag:
1. Paula at Life of Pixxiee
2. Ellie at Dinner Table Talk... I think Not
3. Kate at the Infertility Times
4. Serinity at Serinity Now
5. SquarePeg at Square Peg, Round Whole
6. Chicagogirl at Just starting out
7. Kirsten at Blonde Ambitions

Am I fertilized?

Yesterday morning's IUI went well. 7 mature follies and 37 million sperm post wash with 93% motility. Our stats keep going up each month. This is the highest sperm count and follicle count we've had yet. I hope it does the trick. We were even able to go "bump in the night", which is no small feat when every part of my female anatomy is tender. I felt fine all the way up to the day of the IUI. Now I am extremely bloated and feel exhausted. I asked my RE why I'm at such risk for OHSS when women going through IVF have much higher follicle counts and even higher estrodiol levels. The RE explained that there is actually more risk for OHSS w/ someone like me going through IUI that has high estrodiol levels and many follies than someone going through IVF. I guess that's b/c they actually go in and retrieve the eggs w/ IVF and flush the follicles, where as they don't do that w/ IUI. Not sure that I completely understand but I'm concerned. I plan to take it easy and hope that will be easier for me since my parents are coming to visit tomorrow for a few days. I'm one of those active, can't sit still people. Now the dreaded 2WW begins....

Trigger Day

So... I've been trying to recover from my crappy week. Nothing has gone right. Everything has gone wrong. I'm starting to heal from losing my dog although I still miss him terribly. Today I had my b/w and u/s. I drive an hour to my RE's office since there are no RE's in my town. When I arrived they told me that I mixed up my days and my appt was tomorrow. I showed them my appt card that they filled out which showed today's date. The clerk back-peddled and said she meant I was rescheduled for tomorrow and that they tried to call me. I pointed to my cell phone and said this is my one and only phone and no one has tried to call me. I seriously proceeded to throw a fit and yell that I didn't drive an hour, or take a zillion shots, or pay an ass load of money for me to come back tomorrow when I more than likely would need to trigger tonight (and I soon found out I was right). I could feel my heart pounding and knew my face was flushed. I was so pissed. Mostly b/c they were trying to pull a fast one on me. It would have been much better if they said they screwed up. I refused to leave and finally they said they would get one of the other doctors to see me. I've had it w/ my RE's office. While I waited I went outside and paced like a caged animal while I called and bitched to J about the incompetent Re's office. It kills me that I don't trust that office, when so much depends on it. Our finances are pored into that place, not to mention our time, energy, hope, our future children or lack there of...

Adding this to the pile of already terrible happenings made me feel like all the Karma in the world is against me and I need to just live under a rock until it passes... but then I had my u/s with a different RE (who I liked) and...... HOPE makes an appearance.

... you will not believe how many follies I have. I have 7 mature follicles measuring between 19-21mm. I also have 10 or so smaller ones. My estrodiol is 2200 and my lining is 11.5mm. The doctor sat me down and warned me about all of the risks. He said very few clinics would allow me to trigger but he was willing since this was our 4th Injectibles/IUI cycle, but only if I was aware and acknowledged the risks. He said I have a greater risk of OHSS (over-stimulation) and of multiples.

He mentioned that I'd be an ideal candidate for IVF since I respond so well to the stims. Funny since my FSH blood work came back elevated at 9.8 in December and I was told that I might have a diminished ovarian reserve...

Anyway- right when I was told the numbers I felt this amazing amount of HOPE rain down on me. She reared her ugly little head again. I mean...really...shouldn't my odds be decent w/ 7 mature follies? I didn't even care at that moment about risk factors. I just wanted to hear that it would work. Now that I'm home and letting it sink in, I'm starting to get worried. 7 follies is a lot! And my estrodiol is really high. I don't want a major case of OHSS. Can't that be deadly? I'm obviously going to have to research this on the internet when I'm done w/ this post. As for the multiples. J and I have discussed it and we would do selective reduction if need be. I guess we'll worry about it when we get there.

So am I crazy? Should I even be excited? Nothing has worked so far so maybe I should boot HOPE out the front door. I trigger tonight and we will have the IUI on Saturday morning. I hope J's counts are good. His count has gone up each month for each IUI. I put him on Fertility Blend for Men if you interested. He'll have 7 or so targets this month. I'm already dreading the 2WW. It gets worse and worse for me each month. Maybe b/c we are now nearing the end of the road. Options are limited since money is limited. Plus- how much can a person take. My emotions have been through the grinder over and over.

I have left all dignity and pride at the door. I'm pleading for you to send good thoughts. Please send prayers my way. I don't know how much more I can take.

No more Shaver

J will be leaving in a few minutes to take our dog "Shaver" away. I debated on whether I should go. I'm staying behind b/c I think it'll be easier that way. I'm truly sad at heart. I feel like I'm abandoning this animal. I hope he will be okay. I wonder if he'll panic or wonder why we dumped him. I'm feeling like a lousy mother. I know it's for the best but these are the only "kids" I have. He made some poor choices and has bad behavior so I give up on him. I know in reality that it's not like that. He is an animal not a human. I have no control when he gets aggressive. It's dangerous and someone could end up seriously hurt or mauled. But- I'm notorious for being an emotional thinker not a logical one.

I've been emotionally sick this week. I've cried so many tears, can't sleep and have extreme bouts of anxiety. I think it's the combo of my BFN from last cycle, this Shaver incident and running low of infertility money. We have a cap on what our insurance will cover and I found out this week that we've used a great deal of it. All of this in a matter of days. I hope I can find some peace and be able to relax soon. I'm on CD5 and I don't want the stress to affect this cycle negatively.

Thank you for listening! I'm truly thankful for all of your support. I may not hang out w/ you, or even know where you live or what you look like. But, I feel like I know you and I consider you my friends.

On the doggy front... and CD3

It's been a rough few days. I have felt like I have knots in my stomach and throat since this dog incident occurred. There were times I really felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't even sleep the first night b/c every time I closed my eyes I saw the attack.

Shaver has been outside since he attached the small dog. I let him stay out there w/ our other dog "Harley" b/c they get along really well. I know the dogs are wondering why they can't come inside. It's tough b/c the dogs are always w/ me. If I'm inside they are inside and they sleep on the floor next to our bed at night. I've really struggled w/ my decision on what to do. I couldn't bare the idea of leaving him at a shelter where who knows what could happen. I love this dog. He's family to me and I need to feel like he's going to have a good chance to be in a nice home again. Maybe even a much better home for him. Maybe w/ someone that can work with him and control him.

Last night I went out side and played fetch w/ them for a while. Shaver was running and catching the tennis ball and bringing it back to me. His tail was wagging and he looked so happy. He would sit and wait until I threw the ball and all I could think was, "why"? At that moment I would have given anything to talk to him. If only I could explain to him that his behavior isn't acceptable and he could understand. Why was this dog brought into our lives when this was the end result? I know it's the best decision for J and I, and our future family. Shaver has very strong aggressive tendencies and has now acted on them. We can't take him anywhere outside of our house and that's not fair for anyone. We did consult a dog trainer that specializes on aggressive dogs. He recommended that we get rid of Shaver unless we want to spend a lot of time and money and still have no guarantees b/c aggression can be dealt w/ but not removed completely. That finalized our decision b/c we don't want to risk anything else happening.

It's taken 3 days but I have finally managed to find a guy out of town that rescues dogs and works w/ them until they can be placed in a suitable home. It's a no- kill rescue place. I think it's a type of ranch. I'm hoping he'll have room to run around and that this guy will take good care of him since he's devoted to animals. That sounds much better to me than the local crowded shelters that put animals down if they don't get adopted quickly. I'm really hoping it's a decent place and will be okay for Shaver. I wonder if he'll be scared.... ohhhh.... this is hard. We will be taking him on Friday. I wish we were taking him earlier b/c it kills me to see him. I need to mourn and cry it all out and try to move past the hurt.

The "hurt" dog that I've named Molly seems okay. I think time will only tell. I've committed myself to caring for her for the next couple of days and then we'll decide what to do. I will most likely be attached to her and we will keep her. I clean her wounds several times a day. I have to try to keep the wounds open so that any bacteria can get out. She's on antibiotics and is eating, drinking, pooping and peeing. So that has to be a good sign. She follows me everywhere and truly is a cute dog. She looks just like a full blooded Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Her eyes are still very bloody and I hope she doesn't have any internal injuries I don't know about. The biggest concern right now is if she gets an abscess. That would mean she has a mass of infected pus under her skin that has no where to go. She would need surgery to drain it otherwise the infection could get into her blood stream.

I'm just really hurting right now and I expect the next few days to remain especially tough. J will be taking Friday off so he can drive the dog to the Rescue place. :-(

On a different and positive note- I have started up again on another cycle. I went in for my CD3 u/s today and they found no cysts. I was really surprised b/c I had two large ones last month. I started my first injection of Gonal-f today and will be taking them for 8 days and then going back for another u/s.

tears....

...many tears as I think about losing my dog. See post below

I will miss:

the doggy kisses...
when he licks my tears...
the hugs...
curling up together...
the wagging tail...
the soft beautiful golden coat...
having him catch the tennis ball...
playing chase...

I feel such despair right now. I love this dog. He's part of my family. I seriously feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. This is too much in a very short period of time.

CD1?

Bad just got worse....

I'm trying to recover from the loss of yet another cycle. I thought I was doing a decent job. I POAS Friday (which was J's and my B-day) and still managed to work through the pain of another negative by making a terrific meal and dessert to celebrate our B-days. I made seafood pasta that had fresh scallops and mushrooms in a creamy white wine sauce and served on angel hair pasta. I served this w/ a green salad. And then I made a butter cake w/ whipped chocolate frosting. The confirmation for the POAS came Saturday and as I expected it was a big ole' negative. I was incredibly sad when I saw how much hope J still had. We still went to the local Zoo and to visit J's grandparents. I saw a lot of babies at the Zoo and it didn't even bother me too much. It was a nice day.

Now it’s Monday and I'm barely spotting. No real AF yet. I expected it to come on Sunday. It's never taken this long before. So, I don't know what is up w/ that. I had cramps all day on Saturday and Sunday and now nothing. WTF? J even wants me to POAS again b/c maybe the other tests are all wrong.... He's never been like this so I'm not exactly sure how to take it. Usually he seems slightly detached and not nearly as affected as me.

Okay- so this is why bad has now turned into worse. The pain of infertility is barely tolerable. As you know! I have three pets. 2 dogs and a cat. They are a true blessing during such tough times. I adore and love my animals and have a very soft for all animals. Many of you have dogs and you know how they are truly a part of the family. So today I was in front of my house w/ one my dogs (Shaver- 50 pound retriever) and he went ballistic on a small timid dog. This dog wandered onto our yard and even coward and laid down when she saw us. This dog didn't provoke my dog at all. Shaver (my dog) lunged for the dog and torn into her. He had her neck in his teeth and was thrashing her around. I had Shaver on a leash but couldn't do much except scream b/c the little dog was in Shaver's mouth and off the ground. I couldn't pull my dog away. My dog was sooo mean. It was horrible. I was screaming and crying and just horrified. My dog had never done this before. I finally had to get my hand in there to break the hold on my dog’s jaws. I got slightly bit. I thought the little dog was going to be dead. I finally got Shaver off of her and put him in the house. I'm calling my husband and completely hysterical at this point. I'm checking the little dog that I've never seen around our neighborhood before. J calms me done some and I rush the dog to the Vet. I call the number on the dog’s collar on the way there and the owner said she didn't want the dog. That they were trying to find it another home and it's been missing off and on for a while. I couldn't believe it! This little dog looks like a Kings Spaniel and it's so cute. Why would someone not care about their dog! Once I was at the vet I found out that the dog has a bruised eye and bleeding in the ears from the shaking. She also has two puncture wounds on the side of her neck. The worse puncture is about a 2 cm hole. The vet tells me there is no way to tell how bad it is w/ out surgery and writes up an estimate for up to $750 dollars. I freak b/c that is a lot of money that we don't have to set aside for a dog that isn't even ours. And honestly every extra penny in this household goes toward infertility treatments. But i feel completely responsible so I ask if this is really necessary. I don't want the dog to die or to suffer but that is a lot of money. I'm told that since the dog bites occurred so recently, we can get antibiotics into her right away and that might be enough to prevent infection. They said they actually don't stitch wounds like that b/c you want them to drain. I would have to clean the wound regularly and watch it for signs of infection. And if an infection occurs she's have to be brought right back and taken into surgery. I'm told that overall the dog looks pretty good and very stable after being the victim in a vicious dog attack. I have a $100 bill and I leave.

Now I have a dog that isn't mine that I need to treat until its well. And what if it doesn't heal and needs surgery? We just can't pay a ton of money right now on something like this. But I can’t just let it die or get sick. And if it does heal? Then what? Do I keep the dog? It's a beautiful dog. It's wonderfully behaved even after being attached. It's sweet and loving... She doesn't even flinch when I treat her wounds. I could easily keep this dog. But what about the attacker (my dog)? We adopted Shaver last March. He is an Alpha male and had been adopted twice before us. He's usually a great dog that tends to be aggressive. He'll growl sometimes but he's never hurt anyone. He plays and gets along really well w/ our other dog "Harley"... they sometimes play rough and that can be a concern. Harley is another small dog so I don't know why this other dog set Shaver off. I'm thinking its b/c she came up on our property and Shaver was being territorial. I hate the fact that I wasn't able to control my dog. Why did this happen? Can any more bad news or events come my way? Now we either need to get rid of Shaver b/c J is not letting us have a "biter" in the house especially since we hope to have babies running around one day. I understand his point, but at the same time Shaver is one of our family and I would feel like I was abandoning him. We made a commitment when we adopted him. So it's either one of those training camps that cost a lot of money and can't guarantee anything or to get rid of him. :-(

I have knots in my stomach and throat and actually got sick to my stomach earlier. This is horrible. I love Shaver but can barely look at him now b/c I see that image of him tearing into this little dog. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. I'll be keeping him in the dog run outside until we make our decision. I went to visit him earlier and you would think nothing happened. He was his usual sweet self except for the blood that remained on his coat as evidence for his crimes.

If you actually made it through this entire post I give you many kudo's.

13 DPO

POAS = BFN