A plate of Zen, please....

FEELINGS:

I've been MIA a little lately. There are times that I just need to take some time away from blogs. Most of the time, this tight nit community helps me tremendously. You are all a wealth of information and so very loving and supportive. I can read your blogs and the comments you post and I feel a little less alone while I go through all of this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

There are other times when I need a break...even if it's just a few days. I need to get away from the pain and hurt that is so abundant in this circle. Reading about negative beta's, miscarriages and broken hearts is gut wrenching and for my own health I have to separate myself before I crawl into a hole somewhere are just cry non-stop until the end of time (being dramatic :-) but I feel each of your losses so personally. Then there are the joys of positive's which are mixed in w/ continued fear. How cruel that when the miracle of life finally happens we infertiles continue to live on the edge…hanging on cautiously that this life will continue to hang on in our womb for 9 months. Infertiles can't enjoy their pregnancies like fertile couples do. We're so used to disappointment, failure and set-backs. There are times when I'm so happy for one of you when you get pregnant and then there are other times when I'm so envious. I wonder why I can't be you. This leads to guilt b/c I feel like I shouldn't have these feelings. I beat myself up for not being nicer and happier for all of you. I feel selfish. My logical side tells me I should rejoice every time I read about a positive b/c it means that these ART procedures work. The more they work, the better off my chances are. It's not like I don't want anyone to get pregnant. I don't want everyone to suffer as I am. This isn't a competition and I have to remind myself that there aren't an infinite number of babies in the world. Just b/c one person becomes blessed doesn't mean there are less chances for me. Does that make sense? I'm not sure what I'm trying to say...just that sometimes I have to step back and clear my head periodically before I dive back in and involve myself in all of your lives.

So please excuse my occasional absence and know that I do indeed hold much love for each of you. I care and I cry and I feel right along side each of you. I talk about each of you as if you’re my real life close friends. I appreciate your friendship and would miss you terribly if you were no longer around and visiting my blog. I keep my husband up on the latest :-) ...he actually knows most of you by your pen names and where you are in your journey.


TTC FRONT:

On Monday I was led into the u/s room and was told the nurse would be right w/ me. Imagine my surprise when DR. Hand’s off walked in. I almost fell off the table. I've seen this man at our initial consult back in Dec 05, and that's pretty much it except for one time when I saw him in the hallway. Dr Hand's off proceeded to do my u/s and I took this opportunity to shoot questions at him as fast as humanly possible. He was again very wishy-washy about saying anything concrete. We can do more IUI's...we can do them forever or we can move on to IVF... or we can do a lap and laser off my mild endo (but only if I am going to do more IUI's b/c mild endo won't affect the outcome of IVF...) Can I say UGH one more time. A little part of me likes that he's not forcing J and I into anything or telling us we only have one option but honestly a bigger part of me would like a take charge RE that tells me what it is I need to do. He was very pleasant and upbeat. He told me I had 6 mature follies between the sizes of 18mm and 22mm that looked great and my lining was absolutely thick and perfect. He said I have the same odds this month as our first IUI... WHAT? How can that be...? I really hate hearing that. I know different doctors have different opinions but they should keep some consistency within the same center. I've had one RE at this center tell me to do 4 and absolutely no more than 6. My RE (Dr. Hand's off) is telling me I can do them for over a year and have the same odds each month.. does that mean 0% odds each month since it's not working? Yeah...that has to be it... he likes my monthly $500 dollars for IUI's and wants us to do a zillion of them before we start in on the high dollar cash flow IVF's. Soak us for all we're worth.

Since I saw DR Hand's off and he was so positive it wore off on me. I left feeling hopeful. He actually hugged me and told me that he felt like we had a good shot this month. I was warned about multiples (HA HA... I stopped worrying about that some time ago... we'll worry about if and when that time comes). I'd probably still be willing to trigger if I had a dozen mature eggs. My estrodiol came back at 2500... Is that high for only six eggs? Is that a bad sign? I of course also got two different answers to this question at my clinic. One nurse said it was perfectly consistent w/ the number of eggs I have. And another nurse told me on the day of my IUI that it meant my body has to work harder than most people to achieve all of these eggs. I thought FSH and LH measures that type of thing... not estrogen... Isn’t estrogen produced by the follies and would have nothing to do w/ making the eggs? Any help or insight would be greatly helpful!

Anyway... IUI was yesterday. I had acupuncture beforehand and felt pretty Zen going in. That disappeared rather quickly when the nurse came in w/ the sample and told me we only had 7 million w/ 70% motility post wash. She said it was a low sample but could still work since she'd had a patient get pregnant on only 1 million sperm. She went on to say that we should consider moving on b/c 6 IUI's is a really good try. She then continued to go on and say what I mentioned in the above paragraph about my body working really hard to make these eggs (as seen with estrodiol number). This of course made me feel bad... like there is something else wrong w/ me. I had always thought a high estrodiol meant there were lots of mature eggs and the concern was when your level was too low or not increasing. She also finished by saying this could be a problem when we move on to IVF b/c I could end up w/ dangerous estrodiol levels.

Shouldn't nurses only say nice happy things on the day of IUI"s. Here I am w/ my legs in stirrups awaiting my husbands sample and she's projecting major negative karma. Doesn't she know I walked in w/ a Zen like state and she's ruining it!

She left the bill in the room when the nurses are supposed to give it to the clerk at the front counter so they can bill you. I was so tempted to walk out and not pay... really really tempted let me tell you. Did I? No... I couldn’t. But I sure thought about the new cute shoe shopping I could do w/ that money.

Now I’m in my 2WW and I’ll be spending most of that time and the upcoming month or two figuring out which IVF clinic we want to go to. By the way… we just secured our very large home equity loan for IVF so that’s now in place. OUCH! I need 24/7 acupuncture and massage to stay Zen with that one.

119 Things

***I just started making a list and this is what I came up with. I ended up w/ 119 things b/c I don't want to go back and have to eliminate and re-number. Would that be the defenition of lazy?

1. I'm an animal lover
2. I have two dogs and a cat
3. I've had an Amazon parrot, a rat, some fish, a Russian tortoise, a bunny, a dog, and two cats at the same time.
4. The bunny was kept in my classroom.
5. I used to take my parrot into my classroom as a reward.
6. The students loved hearing in talk.
7. One of my students stabbed the parrot w/ a pencil.
8. The parrot never went to visit again.
9. Every time I go to the zoo I spent the majority of the day in front of the monkeys.
10. My favorites are the chimps and the guerrillas
11. I have more empathy for animals than most people
12. I cry easily at the thought of a hurting animal.
13. I can't watch sad animal movies.
14. I've taught 4th and 5th grade
15. I've also taught 7th grade Religious Education
16. I was the after school art teacher for 2 years
17. I’ve also held jobs as a marketing director, a bookkeeper, an administrative assistant and as a subway artist at Subway
18. I went to UC Santa Barbara for my college education
19. I drank way too much
20. I partied way too much
21. I studied just as much as I partied.
22. My first draft essays that were done at the last minute were always returned w/ an A.
23. When I worked on a paper for days I'd get a lower grade.
24. I've spent way too much time in the sun
25. I'm starting to see the damage
26. I still spent too much time in the sun
27. I have olive skin and tan very easily
28. I petitioned to carry over the maximum load of units and it was granted several times.
29. I had no idea what I wanted to be in college
30. I've always done pretty well in school
31. I was in all honor classes in high school
32. I was senior class v-president
33. I was ranked as the #1 tennis player and frequently played w/ the boys team.
34. I ditched class a lot my senior year in high school
35. I took 3 years of Spanish
36. I can’t speak any Spanish
37. My best friend wanted to try out for a play and asked me to go w/ her
38. She didn’t get picked for the part
39. I did...
40. It wasn't my favorite experience. I never did another play.
41. I was approached and asked to have a bit part in a TV show in college.
42. I accepted and was bored out of my mind during the entire filming... you sit around all day
43. I never did it again
44. I'm drawing a blank on the TV show name- but it was w/ Ricky Schroder.
45. Obviously it wasn't all that memorable
46. I change my hair a lot
47. I've had blonde, red, brown, almost black and very streaky, highlighted hair
48. I've had long, medium, and short hair
49. I've worn it curly, and straight
50. I naturally have very thick, wavy brown hair
51. I've had a ton of friends.
52. I've had very few close friends
53. I haven't always been a very good friend.
54. I've moved 10 times since I was born
55. This doesn't include the moves within the same city.
56. I'm horrible about maintaining long distance friendships
57. I've never been one to talk on the phone
58. It's a chore for me to call and chit chat w/ girlfriends.
59. I come off as very girly...maybe even materialistic
60. I'm not
61. I can sleep outdoors, hike for days in the same outfit, not shower and not give it a second thought
62. I've never been out of the North America.
63. I would like to travel more.
64. I was friends w/ a guy for years
65. After our friendship turned into something deeper he turned scary.
66. I got a retraining order
67. He ended up going to jail for breaking into my place while I was sleeping
68. He hit me
69. I realized how little the judicial system would do to protect me
70. Other than that guy, I've only dated nice guys
71. I've never been attracted to "bad" guys.
72. I love candy and have to eat some everyday.
73. I prefer gummy candy, taffy, starbursts and jelly bellies.
74. I don't care for actual desserts, such as pie or cake
75. I suffer from chronic daily headaches
76. I also get migraines regularly
77. Headaches run in my family.
78. I'm allergic to sulfur
79. Not just sulfur medication but anything that contains sulfur.
80. I have to read the ingredients on everything I eat.
81. If I consume Sulfur my kidneys start to shut down. I stop urinating
82. That's not fun
83. The first time this happened the doctor just hooked me up to an IV bag
84.The doctor didn't take me seriously when I said I couldn't urinate and that I was swollen
85. After the first bag of fluid emptied, he added another.
86. After all this they put a catheter in me and not one drop came out.
87. Now the doctor took me seriously
88. I had put 15 pounds of water weight on my 110 pound frame in 24 hours.
89. After I was released I had never been happier to be in the bathroom.
90. You have to be in the bathroom a lot to release 15 pounds of water.
91. This has happened 6 times... none have been as bad as the first time.
92. My sexual appetite is higher than my husband’s
93. I was interested in my husband before he noticed me.
94. I was dating someone else at the time.
95. We were engaged 6 weeks after our 1st date.
96. We got married 6 weeks after we got engaged
97. I had just had a house built for me when we met.
98. It took almost a year to build.
99. I lived in it less than 4 months before I moved for my husband's job
100. I read constantly and average about 3 books a week.
101. I used to read even more.
102. I actually got in trouble as a child for reading too much.
103. In grade school I'd put my children's novels in my school books and pretend to be studying.
104. I'm 5'6"
105. I like this height... not too tall, not too short.
106. One day I hope to go back to school
107. I would like to become a therapist and have my own practice
108. I would want to do this after the children are in school.
109. I'm still waiting for my children.
110. We've been trying since Dec 2004.
111. I don't want to adopt
112. I might reconsider
113. I worry about things I cannot change.
114. I always look at the worse case scenario's
115. I overanalyze everything
116. I like to draw, paint and work w/ clay
117. I don't do this nearly as much as I should
118. My husband is a huge Red Sox's fan
119. When I'm mad at him, I threaten to buy and wear a Yankee's shirt

IUI #6

We're back from Yosemite National Park. We took our dogs this time and pretty much took it easy. No major hiking since I was still feeling a little under the weather. We ended up stopping for my baseline u/s on the way (thanks to my pushy ways), and I ended up being cyst free! So I started my injections on Saturday morning. J had to crawl out of our warm sleeping bags on Sat and Sun morning to get the injection out of the ice chest. It's always interesting to do injections while camping. You have to make sure the medication stays cold and then you have to make sure you’re clean/sterile enough for the shot.

I didn't have much hope this past cycle. Maybe because I had to be on three rounds of birth control pills to get rid of leftover cysts from the previous cycle. *UGH!* I think I was plain worn out before we even started IUI #5. I was so sick of going in for continuous ultrasounds to only hear that I still had my cysts. This time I was cyst free and the nurse was so positive. She was very upbeat and told me she felt like my time was near. I told her this was our last IUI before we move on to IVF and she understood. But, she said that many women do go on to do a year or more of IUI's w/ COH. A year or more… *gulp* … do any of your clinics make comments like this? She said she sees many women get pregnant in later cycles and that of course sparked a little twinge of hope inside me. She wouldn't lie to me so she must honestly think it can still work. She wasn't telling me to accept the fact that it wasn't working and to move on. It's still frustrating though b/c I've had one RE (partner at my infertility center) that told me to stop at IUI #6. He said there could be something wrong that we don’t know about and that you’re wasting precious time if you keep up w/ IUI’s. My RE and the nurses tell me 5 failed IUI's doesn't mean there is something else wrong. It could be bad luck, etc... and can still work. I hate the "it's a personal choice... you have to do what you think it right for you and what you are comfortable with... yadda yadda yadda". I want to scream that I'm not the doctor... you are... so don't leave these decisions up to me.

How many IUI's does you RE recommend? Was the recommendation based on the idea that IUI’s weren't likely to work after X number of tries or was it a financial consideration? IVF would be more cost effective with its much higher success rates?

Get out of my way... sick hormonal PMSing woman coming through!

Yesterday I almost lost it. Okay- I pretty much did lose it. I still had a fever of almost 103 degrees, had a migraine and was growing increasingly pissed at my Infertility clinic as I thought about all of their faults while in my foggy feverish pain filled state. I decided to call. I didn't care if it went down badly. Worse case would have been me never going back to that place and I could have lived with that. I asked for a particular office girl (one of the few that I like) and told her how upset I was that they weren't getting me in on Friday when I called 5 days earlier for my appt. I still hadn't started my period so I would be going in on CD1 instead of the ideal CD3. I don't even have the opportunity to go in on Saturday(my CD3) since they are only open for IUI's on Saturdays. I explained further that I would also be inconvenienced by having to drive two hours for this appt on Thurs. when I could go on my way out of town Friday. I asked her if they just didn't care since they are the only infertility clinic in a 3 hour radius from my home and have a monopoly on the market. (I was seriously blunt and upset) She quickly tried to calm me down and explain the whole no appt on Friday deal. She said one of the nurses who does the ultrasounds is on vacation. I told her that wasn't my problem. That I pay out of pocket for these services and want to come in on the correct date not to mention that I feel like there is very little importance being placed on my treatments or on my well being. She relented and said there was one nurse coming in at 2pm for a few hours and she's squeeze me in as her first appt.

This brought my blood pressure down by a few notches. J and I will have to leave later than we'd like on Friday for our vacation. We won't get to Yosemite until early evening but that's okay. So lesson learned- demand care, b/c you deserve it and will be walked all over if you don't speak up. Of course there is the part of me that thinks all of the women that work at my RE"s hate me since I do cause a stink when I'm not happy and they are sabotaging my pregnancy efforts. Although- wouldn't they want me to be knocked up ASAP so they could get rid of me?

Warning *TMI*
My AF welcomed me as I woke up this morning at 4am. I had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday. Today I woke to a normal flow and went to work at 5am. At 8am I stood up to stretch and blood poured down my legs. So in a matter of 3 hours my ultra thick tampon, panties, shorts and legs were covered w/ my lovely AF. Thank God no one was working except me. I was the only one there so I cleaned up the best I could and rushed home. My periods are short and extremely heavy on these injectible cycles. They are maybe 2-3 days max and we’re talking a new tampon is required every hour. And can I say the word clots. *enough said*!!!!!! Are your periods heavier on medicated cycles? This should make for a fun wanding tomorrow.

Once home I decided to get some more IVF research done. We are debating between 2 clinics and leaning 90% in favor of one of them. I called the favored clinic and asked about an appt for a consult. They charge $480 for just a consult... can you believe that? I was told that I won't be able to have any financial or medical based questions answered until my consult. So- I have no way of knowing if we'd be candidates for a shared risk or package deal until we have our consult. And they might require even more testing then I've already had. Which means more waiting and more expense. So- I'll have to pay this consult fee before I’m 100% sure that this is the right place for us. Its 3.5 hours away and that is my biggest concern. I plan to drive it each time I have an ultrasound unless I can do local monitoring. I pray I can find someone to do my local monitoring. That will be a lot of driving on my part (7 hours of driving each appt day). I will stay there for the week of the ER and ET but not for all of the ultrasounds. That would add a lot of cost to our already stretched to the max budget. Not to mention that I don't want to be somewhere new, all by myself, while I'm going through this. I want to come home so I can be w/ J. I have no other choices unless I want to stick w/ my current hellish RE’s office.

I'm stressed.

Sick in more than one way...

IUI #5 on injectibles has officially ended w/ a BFN. I'm actually going to go through this one more time. Why? Because we figure our odds have to be higher w/ an IUI on injectibles than trying on our own. Do I think IUI #6 will be the lucky one? NO. Basically I'll shoot up w/ more drugs, stick more progesterone up where it doesn't shine and feel crappy and hormonal for nothing. I have no illusions that we won't need IVF. I'm trying to gear up and wrap my mind around that. IUI #6 will be our last. Then we'll take a few months off before starting IVF #1.

I'll go in on Thurs for an u/s to see if I'm cyst free. Maybe I'll get a break and actually be cyst free b/c if I have a bunch of cysts once again and have to do the bcp regimen I'll scream... I'm already pissed that I can't have my u/s on Friday on my way out of town.... My RE is an hour away and J and I are leaving to Yosemite on Friday. My RE is literally on the way to Yosemite. It would have saved me a trip and J could have been w/ me if I could have gotten an appt for Friday. This will also most likely be CD3 which is the ideal day to go in for your baseline u/s. But- NO... they have no openings. *ugh* I called for an appt 5 days early and still can't get in on that day. We are never going back to this RE after this last IUI. I will be going to another clinic for IVF.

I can't have acupuncture done this week since my acupuncturist is out of town :-(

And I'm sick. Not just sick of heart but also sick of body... As of right now I'm running a 102 degree temp and feel like I'm literally on fire. How high of a temp is too high? When should I start to worry? I feel really light headed and clammy. I’m also burning up and having slight chills at the same time. I’m not sick to my stomach but I do have a pretty bad headache. I'm about to take a cold bath, so we’ll see it that will help break the fever.

Why can't I get one break? Really-

I'm not asking for a fancy house or a fancy car, or expensive jewelry. All I want is a baby in my arms. Is that so much to ask? Will my time come?

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will brush myself off, take hold of my husbands hand and be thankful for all that I do have. Until then, I will mourn for what could have been if I have gotten a BFP today.

Back to reality

J and I are back from hiking and camping out in the great outdoors. We went to Sequoia National Park this time and had a great time. We ended up having a great spot to place our tent. Our tent was literally facing a huge expanse of trees and a small to mid-size waterfall. We listened to the sound of falling water all night long.

The most exciting part of the trip was when we came across a mama black bear and her two young cubs. We were less than 100ft from them. They were playing in a stream. We stopped and watched for a little while until I became a little nervous and we moved on. It was just amazing to watch these beautiful animals play in their natural habitat. We also came across several families of deer w/ their baby doe.

I have less than 2 weeks in civilization until we leave for another camping trip to Yosemite National Park.

On the 2ww front...trying not to think about it. Hope sneaks in occasionally but for the most part I'm just gearing up for IVF.

I Love You J...

It's our 2 year wedding anniversary on Sept 4th. Two years ago J and I snuck away to Vegas and eloped. We didn't need the fancy beach wedding in Carmel like we'd initially planned. No one knew and everyone was shocked when they found out! It was the best decision I've ever made. Since that day we've had many hurdles and adjustments. We've moved, bought a house, J switched companies and is currently about to be transferred to a new location, and we're dealing w/ infertility and all that goes along w/ that. It hasn't been easy but it would have been much harder without one another at each other's side.

There have been good times. All of the camping trips, hiking excursions, beach and mountain getaways. So many memories...too many to mention. My favorites are the simplest and they occur often. Just playing a board game and laughing. Laying on the couch and watching a movie. Taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon. J picking me up and swinging me around in the grocery store. :-) (embarrassed at the time). I love the fact that I love this man so completely. I feel entirely safe and secure when he is around. All I need is his arms around me and my fears subside and my anxiety diminishes.

We'll be spending our Anniversary hiking for a couple days. Can't wait- I could live w/ the bears if given an opportunity. I have the hardest time relating to those who don't like the outdoors. (All of my friends fall into this category) I'm in my realm outdoors... in a peaceful state, especially when I'm backpacking, hiking for hours...or days, and just one w/ nature.

All of you have a wonderful Labor Day weekend.