11 DPO

Last time I posted, the rollercoaster of emotions I'm on was headed down a steep hill...now I think I've reached the bottom and am headed back up. We'll have to wait and see if there is another big dip ahead. I'm truly ready to get off. I'm not enjoying the ride.

I have 3 days to go. I'm some where in the middle ground at the moment. I don't feel like the results are going to be positive but I'm also not absolutely sure they will be negative. I'm trying not to read into all of my symptoms. That is so freakin' hard.

I'll be testing on Saturday morning and my B-day and J's b-day are both on Friday. I told J I wanted to do something together for our B-day instead of spending money on gifts. First of all every extra penny is going towards infertility treatments and I'd rather have quality fun time together anyway. We'll want to celebrate on Saturday b/c J works long days and will be tired Friday night. The problem is how my mood will be on Saturday after my test. If it's a BFP I'll be beyond ecstatic and the happiest b-day girl in the world, but if it's a BPN I'll be in the dumps. Probably curled in a ball and crying my heart out. I'm thinking a day out might cheer me up in the case of a BFN and J deserves to celebrate his B-day too, but I don't want to force a good time... that takes way to much energy when you are grieving another busted cycle. At this point I'm thinking either way that a quiet day hiking in the nearby national park or going to the local Zoo might be nice options. We could take a picnic and just relax.

Do you find that your husbands are a lot more optimistic than you? Why is that? My J literally promises me that we will have a baby... our own baby. I hold on to that each time he tells me. I think to myself here is this intelligent man that I trust more than anyone else. He would never lie to me so what he says must be true. (yet I know- there is no way he can know this for sure). When I look into the future I see children and feel like it will happen too but I fear otherwise. I even tried to convince myself the other day that I might not need kids. It wouldn't be so bad. We would have more money to spend on ourselves, we could travel the world, retire earlier, etc..etc... (yeah- right.... I convinced myself for maybe 5 whole seconds).

I'm off to work in the yard. I have to stay busy...busy...busy. Anything to keep all thought of IF and this looming cycle out of my head. So far this month I have worked on the yard a lot, build a dog shelter w/ J, painted the trim and patio on the outside of our house, and we are about to re-finish our bathroom and kitchen cabinets.

9 DPO

I'm falling....and fast....
I felt pretty good last week but something has changed.

For some reason depression decided to visit yesterday and I can't shake it.
I'm having crying bouts on and off.
Sometimes I'm crying and laughing b/c I'm not quite sure why I'm crying.
I still have 5 days before I test... I have no official BFN yet.
Where did my hope go?

I honestly think I set myself off when I read into the fact that my boobs aren't quite as sore as they were... so now I’m constantly touching myself to see if they have increased in size or soreness in the last 10 mins. And is it even a fact that your breasts should kill if you are pregnant. Where did I get that idea? I wouldn't know- I've never had a BFP. Somehow this idea has managed to flatten me. WTF.... what the hell is wrong w/ me?

5dpo

My first major crying incident for this cycle happened yesterday. Partly because I start to become more sensitive and emotional around this time. It's the stress of the 2WW and fearing the BFN. But also because I had several pregnancy issues pop up in a matter of hours. First of all, I took my dog Harley to the vet for her annual shots and ended up having a vet that was almost 9 months pregnant treat her. The vet walked in and then proceeded to call in a tech b/c she said she's due any day and shouldn't be picking up the animals. What? Are you kidding me? Maybe you should already be on leave.... It would be just my luck to have her water break right there in front of me. And of course I had a billing problem on the way out and wanted to strangle the clerk b/c how hard can it be to create a bill or to fix one that's incorrect. It shouldn't be the 20 extra minutes I had to stand there.

So then after I got home I saw my very pregnant neighbor outside. I call her smoker chick b/c I never see her w/out a cigarette in her mouth. This will be her 3rd baby in 4 years and they are disappointed b/c they are all girls. And she of course wants to know if we are trying b/c it's our turn.

A few hours later J gets home from work. He runs into our other neighbor that just had her baby 3 months ago. She also asks if we are trying and proceeds to tell J that it took them only 2 months and they weren't even really trying. I think J saw the look on my face at his point so he tells me that she might have just said it took two months when it might have actually taken a long time. I think he's just trying to make me feel better but it soooo wasn't working. J then says I might even say the same thing b/c I won't want to talk about all that we've been through. I snapped and said I'd NEVER say that to anyone b/c they could be in our exact situation and why would I say that. At this point I'm completely bewildered and on the verge of tears. I hold out 10 mins and the tears start to flow.

I'm so scared this cycle won't work. I want someone to hold my hand and make it all better.

Starting to know what to expect w/ Gonal-f and IUI....

So here I sit in my 2WW. I'm 4DPO and will be able to test on June 3rd.... 10 days to go. I was feeling crappy yesterday and was thinking that I feel pretty much crappy everyday just in different ways. This is pretty much how these cycles boil down for me:

CD1-3= cramps from AF, tears and sorrow from the past cycle not working.

CD4-12= tender stomach which increases as the cycle progresses along w/ the bloating... also have a constant headache... usually pretty bad (side effect I have from Gonal-f)... but I’m afraid to take anything for the headache b/c heaven forbid it interfering w/ my ability to conceive.... I mean really should I actually worry that Excedrin could affect me negatively when heroin addicts get pregnant everyday. And so far cutting out all over the counter drugs, caffeine and alcohol hasn't knocked me up.

CD13-16= usually I trigger on CD13 or CD14 and that makes my ovaries feel like they are going to burst... my entire stomach is sore and very bloated... forget the skinny pants! I start to become very irritable around the time of the IUI and it lasts a few days. J loves this time of the month.

CD17-CD27= I'm now on progesterone support (600mg of prometrium). I'm hot, so hot...yeah for hot flashes... and I am usually someone that sleeps w/ a down comforter on me in 90 degree weather. And I have to tell you girls how much I love the feel of oozing, creamy gunk up my Hoo Ha. Does it even work when half of it drips out? The worst part of this time in my cycle is of course the long 2WW..... I feel every emotion in the book and fear them all (especially hope).

CD 28= typically the day I TEST... and typically when I get a BFN and cry my heart out. This has fallen on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas day and Easter to date.... Can you beat that?

Question? If I happen to be one of those rare women that is in fact pregnant after receiving a BFN..... would stopping the progesterone hurt the baby and cause a miscarriage... I'm supposed to stop the progesterone as soon as I get my BFN and I always hope that maybe it's too early (at 14dpo) and AF won't come... So far I cheat and take the progesterone one extra day and POAS the next day just to make sure. Miracles do happen, right? I'm still waiting for mine.

Cycle History...

We had our IUI at 10am this morning and everything went really well. I was basically holding my breath all morning b/c I was worried that J's count would be low...but it wasn't. It was 45 million before the wash and 27 million after the wash w/ 90% motility. Yeah!!! It was much lower for our previous IUI's. To give you a little background on our IF treatment, these are our cycles to date w/ our RE.

Cycle 1: 100mg Clomid, Ovidrel and natural intercourse - resulted in 1 follicle and a BFN

Cycle 2: 150mg Clomid and natural intercourse (no ovidrel b/c I ovulated early on my own)- resulted in 3 follicles and a BFN

***decided to switch after only two cycles of Clomid to Gonal-f injections w/ IUI... Clomid and I did not get along! I seriously cried 24 hours a day. It made me severely depressed.... And Gonal-f w/ injections is supposed to increase your odds of the highly desired BFP. So....

Cycle 3: Gonal-f, Ovidrel and IUI- resulted in 3 follicles, 4 million washed sperm and a BFN…plus I was over stimulated and on bed rest for 3 days.

Cycle 4: Gonal-f, Ovidrel, prometrium and IUI- resulted in 4 follicles, 11 million washed sperm and a BFN...and I ended up getting two cysts so I had to go on bcp's for 2 weeks.

Cycle 5 (current cycle): Gonal-f, Ovidrel, prometrium and IUI- resulted in 5 follicles, 27 million washed sperm and now I'm in my 2ww...

But do you see the positive trend. That should count for something... I've gone up one follicle each month and J's sperm count has gone up each month..... tell me that increases our odds...

Does anyone else feel extremely "full" after their trigger shot. My belly feels stretched out and it's bloated... I changed into my loose boxers the minute we got home. I also have these pains on my left side (ovary?) every month but nothing on my right side. The nurse said that might be from the mild Endo I have. I thought it might be indicating Ovulation but I guess the pains should be on both sides if that is the case.

My RE said you have about 15-18% chance of getting pregnant each month w/ gonal-f and IUI. I find these numbers way lower than I'd like. That means out of 12 women w/ the same treatment only 2 of us will get pregnant this month. That just sucks. I really, really, really hope I'm one of those 2 this month. Please Please Please!!!!!!!!

Cycle is moving along....

I just got back from my u/s and everything went really well. They actually got me in the minute I walked in so I didn't have to wait at all. I was told that I have 5 follies between the sizes of 15.5 and 17.5 and one other that might catch up at 14.5. My lining looks perfect and my estradiol came back at 1298. I did my last shot of gonal-f today and they are having me do my trigger tomorrow night and the IUI on Saturday. Having today go so smoothly almost made me nervous. I'm so used to complications, problems, or something negative happening that I actually felt like this was too good to be true....

When I had a billing problem on the way out I felt a little bit back to normal :-) lol
I will be soooo happy when I never have to return to my RE's office!

So... I feel like I did my part.... now it's up to my dear husband (pressure's on)..poor guy. I hope his count is up this month. Keep your toes, fingers and all body parts crossed for me... I can also use all the prayers and positive vibes you can send my way.


Make sure you check out my two prior posts. They show our new pictures from Yosemite National Park. How soon til' I get to go back?

Back from camping....

We had such a great time. I feel truly refreshed and hope it lasts for at least a few days. We hiked during the day and relaxed around the campfire at night. The waterfalls were spectacular this visit. They are always at their fullest in the beginning of the summer b/c of the melting snow that comes pouring down. This past winter had an unusually heavy snow fall and the impact on the waterfalls was amazing. The water was just pouring down and all of the waterfalls were much larger than normal. You got drenched from the mist when you were even in the proximity of the waterfall. See the second post below for pictures of the waterfalls. The normally calm rivers and streams were full and roaring. I highly recommend this place as a get away if you enjoy the outdoors. And you don't have to tent camp like us :-) There are many hotels available. We go back in Sept and I can't wait. Hope you enjoy the pictures...

Waterfalls of Yosemite...

The first picture shows Vernal falls, the second picture is of Nevada falls and the last two pictures are of Yosemite Falls.

Yosemite National Park....

The first picture shows one of the many trails I enjoy. The second picture shows the staircase to the top of Vernal Falls. It's worth the steep climb...b/c the view at the top is magnificent. I truly experience joy when I am out hiking.

To really experience Yosemite you have to visit during each season. Winter holds such beauty, just in a different way from summer or spring. These pics are from prior trips. I'm sure I'll come back from this trip w/ wonderful new pictures.

Migraine hell....

My head has been pounding. It feels like it's in a vise and slowly getting tighter and tighter. On a scale of 1 to 10, it’s about an 8 or 9. It's almost 2pm and I'm just getting up for the first time. I'm pretty sure this is a migraine. I used to get migraines twice a month for years and then they pretty much went away when I got off birth control. That was a nice surprise. My migraines are hormone induced. My migraines usually last 3 days, and cause me to be nauseous and sensitive to the light. I called my RE's office today to ask if I could take Imitrex and they said it was okay. I've taken two already and it took the edge off... enough that I'm up and trying to eat something... even writing on my blog. So that is a good sign. The glare is bothering my eyes... so this may be short. The nurse said she hears many complaints that migraines increase or worsen when women go on the fertility drugs. Yeah!! for even more side-effects. I'm surprised I haven't had this bad of a migraine so far since I’ve gone through fertility treatments for a few months now. I have had a mild headache...just about every day but they don't really interfere to badly w/ everyday living.

Hopefully this will subside soon. I need to start packing for our camping trip to Yosemite National Park. We leave early Friday morning.

BTW: I'm on cycle day 4 and I've done two days of Gonal-f injections (225iu). My husband and I have this routine. We wake up at 4am (he goes to work early), and I basically sleep walk to the fridge and grab the medication, needle and antiseptic wipe. I lay down, clean the injection site and J injects me. Most of the shots are painless, although some burn or sting. And a few have left bruises or have even bled a little. Overall not to bad. I have to do the shots while camping so that should be interesting. I plan to place a towel wrapped gonal-f pen in a Tupperware container and then put that in my ice chest. The medicine has to stay cold... but I don't want it to freeze. Any ideas?

May Cycle just got off the ground....

Monday:

AF has arrived.... so now I start my gonal-f injections tomorrow. I'm happy to be "doing something" again instead of waiting around for the cysts to go down. I'm a real mix of emotions at the moment. I am so hopeful at times and feeling pretty good (up-beat). Then I remember how horrible and devastated I felt when I had such hope past cycles and was let down. That of course makes me anxious, scared and wanting to crawl under a rock b/c I don't want to have another cycle not work. So... I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and do the best I can to stay afloat. It doesn't help when we're screwing around w/ our hormones too... (Or maybe that's just my excuse every time I lose it or jump off the handle).

I am really lucky to have such a wonderful husband to be by my side through all this. I could never and I mean never do this without his constant emotional support. J's the one that has to wipe my tears and pick me back up each month when i fall to the ground after a negative test. He has to listen to me babble on for hours about my fears, hopes and concerns. He talks to me before and after each appt I go to since he can't go with me. J gives me my injections each morning and tends to me when I have side-effects from the treatments. I hope he knows how much every little action means to me and just how much I love him.



Sunday:

Sunday went by pretty quickly. It was a nice sunny day. J and I had a lot we wanted to accomplish and we pretty much got to it all in one day (Yeah!)...

We:

1. Finished the dog shelter. I think it turned out pretty decent. Our furry friends now have a 4ft by 7ft "dog house" that has a raised floor, sturdy posts and a roof that is covered by a tarp so that it has extra protection. I painted the bottom and posts navy blue and the roof it dark brown.

2. Gave every plant in the yard "plant food". I've never done that before so I decided it was time to feed the vegetation... does this mean all the plants will become much greener and grow twice as fast :-) I plan to do this at least once a month now on.

3. Sprayed the entire front and back yard w/ bug killer. I noticed a few of our plants had their leaves chewed on so I decided to put an end to that.

4. Washed both of our vehicles...

5. Gave both the dogs a bath... (Wouldn’t it be nice if they could be that clean, shiny and soft all the time).

Do you ever just want someone to wake you up when this is all over... when you finally get that BFP.... So many say "just enjoy what you have now".... So easy for them to say! This is my life. My life is IF. Doctor appointments, ultrasounds, blood draws, pharmacy visits, daily injections, progesterone support, timed intercourse, artificial insemination, ovarian sensitivity, bloating, cysts, restricted work-outs, limited salt and potassium, frustration, fear, pain, tears, hope, more disappointment, mood swings, irritably, whacked out hormones , loneliness, isolation.... not to mention the financial cost... Dear God... can I have some money left over to put towards the actual baby.... or will I be broke and babyless? I'm drained today... just waiting for AF to arrive.

Never go to Target or Wal-Mart during the week unless you want to see just how many babies there are out there... and be reminded that none of them are yours...

Such Anxiety:

Okay... I took my last bcp last night and now I'm wondering when I can expect the lovely Aunt Flow. During all previous medications I started the gonal-f injections on CD3. This month my Re's office is having me wait until next Tues (May 9th). So if I start my period before Sunday (which I would think is likely)... I won't start my injections until CD 4 or 5. Isn't that too late? Or is this cycle different from the others since i just had a period 2 weeks ago and I was put on this short regimen of bcp's to help rid myself of these cysts that decided to pop up. I've never had cysts before (that I know of) and I don't like the fact that this cycle is already starting out differently from what I've previously understood to be protocol. Of course if this wasn't going on I'd find something else to worry about. I have the most unfortunate (maybe smart) habit of questioning everything about my treatment. Sometimes I wish I could just have blind faith in this process. But, my husband and I have put soooo much into these treatments... our finances, heart and soul. I don't need careless mistakes to lessen our odds or ruin a cycle. I think it's important to have some control over your treatment. I've already caught a few mistakes my office has made (one time they actually wrote down the wrong time for the trigger shot.... they wrote 1pm instead of 1am so my IUI would have seriously been off.)... Luckily I caught it b/c i wondered why my IUI would be only 22 hours after the trigger. That experience only made me more paranoid about everything. So... now I sit here chewing my fingernails.... wondering if they are messing up w/ my treatment again. Should I just chill?

On another note:

J is back at work today. He's not 100% but he is feeling somewhat better.

Do any of you watch TV series? We rent movies through Blockbuster on-line.. and we like to rent TV series that have been released to DVD b/c then we can watch as many as we want, when we want w/out commercials.

Our list to date includes....
Oz (HBO show)
The Sopranos (HBO show)... watched 5 seasons in less than 6 months
Nip/Tuck
The Shield
Alias (currently watching... going down hill fast as each season concludes)

Our next TV series to try out soon: Band of Brothers.....

J's Still Sick:

J's staying home for another day. Yesterday he started to feel better during the day but then declined again when the evening approached. His throat is killing him and his entire body aches. He no longer has a fever and I'm thankful for that. We went to the doctor yesterday and she put J on some antibiotics. I really hope I don't catch whatever it is he has. I'd say there is a good chance since I'm with him all day in close proximity. Today will be a lot like yesterday. Trying to nurture my dear husband back to health. So....who's going to take care of me when I end up getting sick???? :-)

I've only had this blog since last Friday... not even a week and I see what so many of you mean when you say it's addicting. It's great to read all of your blogs... especially those of you also going through infertility. I appreciate everyone's support. Tonight will be my last birth control pill and then it's the count down until Tues. when i start my injections of Gonal-f. I found it a little odd that they are having me wait until Tues to start my injections instead of the third day of my menses. I suppose it'll be close either way. It's so hard to stay in that middle ground regarding optimism.... I want to be hopeful yet i don't want to be completely devastated if this cycle doesn't work. Last month was extra rough since both J and I felt like everything went well and we had good odds of conceiving.

My goals for May:

1. Get knocked up (my #1 job and priority)
2. Have the dog run and dog shelter finished and ready for their use.
3. Go on vacation to Yosemite National Park w/ J and have wonderful time
4. Have one or two date nights w/ J...
5. Spend some time drawing/painting...
6. Try a new recipe or two.
7. Put away winter clothes.... bring out summer stuff...
8. Organize our office.... file away paperwork and bills

We'll see how much of that gets done... hopefully most if not all of my goals will be completed. Especially goal number 1.

Sick Husband:

Well.... My husband came home from work yesterday feeling ill and it got progressively worse throughout the night. He stayed home form work today. He had a sore throat, fever and body aches. I'll be tending to his every little need today :-) He's actually starting to feel better and i got his fever to break w/ the use of an ice pack and aspirin. I couldn't help but be concerned that this will affect his sperm count. I'm about to start another cycle w/ stims and IUI and was hoping his counts would be up. We'll be really disappointed if this flu reeked havoc on his little guys b/c it'll take 3 more months to brew a new healthy batch. Kind of sad that we have to worry about such things. I'm hoping that since this seems to be a relatively short illness and his fever only reached a little over 100 degrees that we'll be okay in that department.

Got the Green Light:

I just got back from my ultrasound. The cysts weren't completely gone yet (although much smaller). I was told I just needed 3 more days on the birth control pills ... and then I can start my stims on next Tues, May 9th.

My Instructions for this cycle so far:

*Daily Prenatal Vitamin and Baby Aspirin
*May 9th and May 10th- 225iu/day of Gonal-f
*May 11th-May 16th- 150iu/day of Gonal-f
*Ultrasound on May17th at 12:45

On May 17th at my ultrasound they will decide if i need more gonal-f or if i'm ready for my trigger (Ovidrel) injection. I predict we'll do the artificial insemination on May 19th or 20th and probably find out the pregnancy results around June 2nd... (My husband and my B-day)... Isn't it cute that we have the exact same birthday.

OUR WEEKEND:

Here's to another week.... It's Monday once again. How is it that the weekends seems to last only a few hours. There is never enough time w/ my husband so that we can do our errands, chores and have fun quality time together. We ended up going out of town on Saturday for J's goddaughter's confirmation. On Sunday we worked in the yard. We are trying to get the side yard ready as a dog run for our two little monsters. We are in the process of building a shelter that will go in the dog run so they have somewhere comfy (and w/ shade) to get out of the elements. The rain season should be over, so the main purpose now will be so they can avoid the hot piercing sun that the central valley has to offer in the summer months (and it's usually a long summer). We don't have a typical spring or fall... It's basically just winter and summer...

OUR INFERTILITY JOUNEY TO DATE:

I just started this blog and I haven't written much about our infertility journey. A quick summary would be that it's been just about 18 months of trying to conceive. We went to an Infertility Specialist (RE) after a year. We've done two cycles on Clomid w/ monitoring (horrible drug- turned me into a weeping maniac). And we have done two cycles on Gonal-f injections w/ artificial insemination (IUI). I developed cysts this last cycle and have been on birth control pills for the last two weeks to help the cysts go down. Today I have a baseline ultrasound to see if they are gone. If they are we will have the green light to start another cycle. I am anxious to start up again so I hope I receive good news today.