up and down and around we go...

Went to acupuncture yesterday before my IUI. Somehow, I managed to stay relaxed throughout the entire IUI and on the trip home and I give all of the credit to the acupuncture. But to be totally honest, I was a little disappointed at J's count. It went down a lot this month. It was 24 million before the wash and 12 million after w/ 90% motility. The nurse told me that we wouldn't ever get pregnant on our own w/ those numbers. That we have to continue w/ the IUI's or move on to IVF. It just hurt to hear her say that. Basically I have no choice but to continue these horrible treatments if we ever want to have a child. And why are his counts so all over the place? We’ve had two s/a’s that were in the lower normal range… those should be enough to get me knocked up. So- is it my mild endometriosis on top of low sperm counts… or what? Also- can I ask you what tests your men did if they have male factor… J went to an urologist and they did an u/s but nothing else. Shouldn’t he have blood tests done? My RE only focuses on me and not J. Sometimes I think we’re missing something.

We've had 5 IUI's now and the numbers have steadily increased each time until this one. The first month was 4 million (after wash) and last cycle it was 35 or so million. If it was 35 million last month and I didn't get pregnant, than is there any way 12 million could do the trick? I've had J on Fertility Blend for Men for 6 months now and I thought that may be the reason that his count has gone up. Why the sudden drop? I have no idea. J is under a lot of stress right now. He's working a ton of overtime and his current position sucks big time. He's an engineer and has been forced into a customer service type position that is dreadful (He does mostly customer service instead of the engineering that he likes to do). J is a rock solid type of guy that doesn't let things get him riled up. He's an easy going person. So- I was really worried to hear him admit that he was having bouts of anxiety... like little chest pains. I actually gave him one of my Zanax(anxiety med) and he took it. This is a man that doesn't take meds or get medical treatment unless absolutely necessary or forcibly dragged. He found out he'll be transferring in the beginning of Oct so his position should end up being a lot better and back to what they hired him for (no customer service) after he's at the new office. But, the new office won't offer any overtime and we have no idea if it will stay that way. That hurts money wise. We're saving everything we can for IVF but the money isn't piling up like we'd like. We'll have to borrow a lot from the bank *sigh* It also doesn't help when I hand over $70 for every u/s and $225 for every IUI. Those costs start to add up. It took the nurse all of 5 mins to do my $225 IUI yesterday and I just hated handing over all of that money for such a small chance of success. I feel like I should be saving it all for IVF instead.

To make matters worse for J and me... we were told to "get it on" last night and again this morning. My female region was tender and aching and J was not in a mood to be forced to perform. It just didn't work out... we tried again this morning and again...it didn't work out. I was almost in tears, J felt badly. How horrible! Not exactly how sex is supposed to be. I hate this. And I have to say that I question the medical advice of "getting it on" when one's anatomy is in so much discomfort. Can it be conducive to procreating when it hurts like a *bleep*! -

*ugh* you guys know how it is. I'm trying to stay relaxed and be in a good mental place. Damn it's hard! I think I've done pretty well this month. Much better than previous one's. But- there are still those moments- those gut wrenching moments of just praying and wishing that you could have your turn at Motherhood.

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on another note- I haven't been commenting on your blogs as much and I'm sorry. For some reason only some of my linked blogs were updating. So I thought a bunch of you were taking a break from posting regularly. When I finally started to wonder I refreshed all of the blogs and a bunch of missed posts popped up. I missed over 2 weeks of posts from Serenity. I have no idea why this happened. Maybe a blogger issue?

Nonchalant for how long?

Had my 2nd u/s yesterday to see how the follies are developing. I ended up having 4 that will be most likely be mature enough on trigger day. 3 of them were size 13mm and one was 14mm. I had a few others not worth mentioning b/c they won't have enough time to grow. My lining was at an 8 and my estradiol was 550. I should be happy with 4 follies but part of me was disappointed since I had 7 mature follies last time we cycled and that didn't work so 4 seems paltry in comparison. The nurse was happy. She said I stimmed too much last time and the risks are too great. She said four is the ideal number in their clinic for IUI's.

I will be on 150iu of gonal-f through Friday. Take my trigger (Ovidrel) shot on Saturday night at 9:30pm and the IUI is scheduled for 10am on Monday.

I had my 4th acupuncture appt after my u/s yesterday. I have another appt for right before my IUI on Monday. I actually have coverage for 20 sessions a year. (How does it happen that I have full acupuncture benefits but crappy Infertility coverage...does that make sense?) I figured this will give me a chance to try acupuncture out and maybe get my "Qi" in balance before IVF. We won't be starting our 1st IVF until January so I might as well use my acupuncture sessions for this calendar year.



My nonchalant day yesterday:

4am-wake up (we are early risers)

5am- went into work (this is my part time... 10 hours a week job...)

7:30am- left work (home town) for 1 hour drive to location of RE and blood lab. Feeling calm unlike the usual racing heart beat, slightly anxious, thinking doomsday thoughts person that I normally am on u/s days. I try to control the uncontrollable...

8:30am- arrived at blood lab.... waited almost an hour to have blood taken...still in the calm zone.

9:30am- wasted time until u/s... RE required blood work to be done several hours before appt so they have the estradiol results when you get there.

11:00am- ultrasound.... they actually got me right in! That was nice. I just went through the procedure and listened. No questions asked. How can that be? Where was my list of 20 "what ifs" or "explain this"?

12:00pm- acupuncture appt... it was actually scheduled for 12:30 but he was able to get me in early so I didn't have to waste any more time window shopping and wishing I had money to buy things we can't afford. Wow things are falling into a nice timely schedule today.

1:30pm- Leave acupuncturist and drive 1 hour back to home. Listened to Andre Bocelli and continued to feel relaxed.

2:30pm- arrive home to find both of my dogs covered in mud... these are primarily inside dogs but I have to leave them outside if I'm gone longer than 5 hours. On further inspection I see that they have dug up two of my precious plants in the back yard. I take one dog at a time and wash them in the bathtub. After both dogs are washed I try to salvage the plants. Slightly irritated w/ these furry children of mine but not overly concerned w/ the damage. I love my dogs and am thankful to have them. J would have killed them so it's a good thing I got home first.

4:30pm- I make dinner...la-di-da-di-da

5:45pm- J is home from work... We eat... (I love this man)

6:00pm- Moment of Clarity!!!! OH SHIT- I forgot my shot again!!! See last post for previous forgetfulness. I had been instructed to take three more days of injections. I should have taken my shot right when I got home but I was distracted b/c of the dogs and their doggy misadventures. After initial 10 second panic logic sets in and I realize I'm only a few hours late since I didn't get home to take it until after 2:30pm. I reassure myself that 3 and half hours late on my injection won't make my follies shrink or disappear. Really, what if I had my u/s appt at 4:00 and hadn't gotten home until 5pm. It would have been close to the same time. Silly me. :-)

***so what is the story? Is this a freak occurrence or has my IF personality changed. Where is the neurotic, tightly coiled, mind racing, nervous nail biting, teary eyed, asking a zillion and one questions Girl that I normally am? Have I hit another Infertility stage? Are there stages such as Denial, Panic, Depression and then Blasé or do they rotate to keep things interesting? Now let me make it clear that feeling nonchalant does not mean that there is any hope knocking on my door. In fact all of my doors have dead bolts and are electronically wired. Doesn't mean the bitch "Hope" won't sneak in somehow. Who knows? But- I don't particularly want her company. Hope sets me up to fall on my ass. I'm in the white zone.... my open mindless space where there's not a whole lot of thought going on IF wise. Now if I could just remember to take my shots.

No longer a Newbie- CD1

I am no longer a newbie! It was confirmed this morning when I woke up, when into work w/ out taking my CD1 stims. It didn't even cross my mind. I have always been overly eager and anxious to get each shot. I usually rush out of bed, grab my meds, prep then and have J shoot me up. Today- no thoughts about the cycle... instead just mindless nothingness...

Thank goodness clarity struck shortly after I arrived at work. I rushed home and took my shot (on autopilot)... I could do this in my sleep. I've done this how many times now? 2 many to count I have to say I missed having J give me the shot. Kind of hokey, but I like the feeling of togetherness we have when he plays this role in treatment.

This cycle now had now official gotten off the ground… we have liftoff...

Will I be moving forward or going under the knife?

I have another ultrasound today to see what the status is w/ my cyst. If it's gone then I'll move right into another IUI w/ injectibles cycle. If it's not then the RE has recommended surgery

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(Now Updated)

I'm back from my appt and CYST FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it? Me either. No more bcp's! I start my gonal-f injections on Weds. I'll have 7 days of injections and go back for another u/s.

I had my 3rd acupuncture appt after my u/s this afternoon and that went well. I plan to go each time I have an appt at my RE's office. I need to do everything I can to stay uplifted spiritually, mentally and physically. This is my 5th IUI with Injectibles so I'm not overly optimistic. But, I am very cautiously (huge emphasis on cautiously) optimistic and happy to be actively TTC. I was basically sucking my thumb in a fetal position and bawling my eyes out on Monday when I felt so in the pits. And now I'm okay... and I'll take okay.

ABC's of Today...

Aching heart
Broken
Crying
Depressed
Empty
Financial Turmoil
Grumpy
Hurting
Ill...
Joyless
Katherine Grace (one of the names I like for our non-existent baby girl)
Lonely
Money...issues
Numb
Ovarian cysts
Pain
Questioning
RE's
Stress
Tears
Uterus de la empty
Vacant
Waiting
XYZ....


Today is not a good day. How I hurt today. It's that gut wrenching...pain in you chest type of hurt. How can one hurt so much and for so long for something that doesn't even exist yet. I've been doing okay and then I went to bed last night and started "thinking". Yes- the "evil- thinking"...much like the "evil POAS" or the "evil hope" that creeps up on you and messes w/ you head. I thought about the "what ifs". What if I never give birth to a baby? What if we go through all of this and never conceive. I thought about the How's... How are we going to pay for IVF? What if we end up w/ a huge loan and major debts and still have no baby. How am I going to survive a negative IVF or two or three if I'm having such a hard time now? How am I ever going to be happy again? What if I can't move past this if I need to? How do I decide what to do and how to make the right decisions? I'm tired... tired of being an infertile. I'm scared...scared of being childless after going through all of this. I'm angry...angry at God for not answering my prayers. I'm disappointed...disappointed in my lack of strength and at how easily I fall to my knees in despair.

An Apple a Day will NOT... keep a cyst away...

Finally talked to my RE!!!!! I asked about the reasoning and inconsistency of my treatment towards my cysts. I explained to him how I was concerned that in a 6 week time frame I'll have had 3 periods induced, have been on and off bcp's several times in short intervals and that his nurses seem to differ in their opinions on how to treat me. He basically said that they were trying anything they could to get my body free of cysts since I can't start another injectible cycle until I'm clear of them. He said he wanted me on bcp's...which is good since I am on them currently and that if the cyst wasn't gone or significantly smaller when I go in to my next u/s on August 11th (next Friday) then he recommended surgery. That kind of freaked me out. He said he's do a laparostic surgery and cut it out of there.... some risk but he wouldn't expect there to be any complications. He also said that if he saw any mild Endo then he'd laser it off. Back in Nov I had a lap and my OB/GYN diagnosed minimal Endo but didn't laser it which pissed me off. He was already in there so he should have! My Ob/GYN just expected me to immediately go on a 6-month dose of Lupron. I was extremely reluctant to do so and that was when J and I sought out a 2nd opinion w/ Dr. Hands-Off who is now my current RE. So I am hoping that the cyst is gone... gone... gone... so I don't need surgery. I wonder how long I'll be on hold "cycle wise" if I need surgery.....

I asked Dr Hands-off if I have polycystic ovaries since I seem to get cysts rather easily and he said NO. He said I ovulate on my own and have regular 28 day cycles so I definitely don't. Basically my body creates these cysts because of the FSH medication I'm pumping into my body. So..... After 4 injectible/IUI cycles I've had a total of 6-7 cysts from 2 different cycles that I wouldn't have if I wasn't going through treatments and no pregnancy which is why I'm going through all of this. Not exactly what I asked for. I wonder what exactly causes the cysts... I didn't have any cysts on the Clomid cycles I did and I was free and clear on 2 of the 4 injectible cycles.... so basically I've really only had them after two cycles so far. But when I get them I get several and they do not want to go away. I'm tired of waiting...... I've been in wait mode for over 5 weeks now.

Nothing goes according to the plan....

I listened to all of your advice and to my gut instinct and ended up requesting that my RE call me about this cyst situation. This was on last Thurs morning and I still haven't heard back. It’s been over 5 days. I am beyond frustrated but not exactly surprised. (Although to be honest he has been pretty good about returning my calls in the past.) My RE is so hands off I don't think I'd recognize him if he was standing right next to me in a check out line. All I see is the nurses each and every visit. Have a mentioned that I would not be going to this RE if I had another option available to me at this time. I already drive an hour to each appt and this is the only infertility clinic within a 200 mile radius from where I live. He doesn't have to worry about being accountable when he has no competition. I really wish I felt better about my clinic. J and I are heavily researching other out of town clinics for IVF.... any suggestions of how to go about that????? We are e-mailing and writing questions but not getting that great of a response. We'd like to narrow ourselves down to 2 clinics before we pay to consult w/ them. Our biggest concern is how daunting out of town IVF will be. What is required time wise? Will I have to be there 2 weeks+ straight? Hotel costs and travel would add a considerable cost to the already excruciatingly high fees for IVF. So we are thinking we need to stay in state so that I could drive (even if it's a 5 hour drive) and come home between appts... maybe stay just over night.....and then a few days for ER and ET. Whereas that would be impossible if it was out of state. I have heard of some women that start their IVF cycle at home...doing their blood draws at a local lab and sending it to the clinic. They don't have to show up until they are 5 or 6 days into their stims.

I'm glad that we've decided to wait until after Christmas to start IVF. It's really not that far off. We just weren't ready in any way to jump into this now. Plus- this will allow a few more IUI/Injectible cycles and maybe by the grace of God we'll get me knocked up before then.

This weekend J got a call from his sister in law. His brother S was in a terrible accident. They were vacationing at the beach in Pismo, CA. They always take their quads and run them on the sand dunes. S and a friend were resting for a moment at the bottom of one of the sand dunes and some 16 year old boy went roaring over the dune on his own quad and landed on S. The ambulance came and rushed him to the emergency room. S ended up having a pretty messed up arm w/ 2 breaks and a leg that has a crushed femur (thigh bone). He went into surgery for 7 hours and they had to put a metal rod into his leg and a bunch of plates and screws in his arm. They are hoping the leg bone starts to grow back together...b/c there are floating pieces of bone. If it doesn't then he will require another surgery. Once he's released he'll be home bound for a month or so and restricted to a wheel chair for quite some time after that. The good news is that there were no head injuries and that he will be pretty much back to normal eventually. He is lucky that he didn't break his neck or back. He might end up w/ a limp (hopefully not) but will be able to walk and use his arm after some therapy. He's also really lucky that he has excellent insurance to cover all of this and that he has plenty of sick and vacation time he can use while he is away from work.

This whole situation put my life into perspective. We'll see how long that lasts :-) I feel horrible for S and his situation. But, I also feel like he was really blessed that it wasn't worse. He could be dead or permanently disabled. It also made me think about what if something like this happened to J or if he was seriously hurt. Nothing matters more to me then his health and well being. I realize that I have increasing looked at my world as half empty instead of half full. I have a lot to be thankful for and need to stop and reflect on that more.