Not what I ordered....

I didn't have high expectations at my u/s yesterday but I didn't expect the following to happen. 4 of the original cysts are now gone but the one that showed up and grew to 40mm while I was on birth control pills hasn't shrunk at all. In fact it's now 43mm. I'm not sure what I should think. I'm especially frustrated w/ my RE's office. When they found the original 4 cysts after my baseline u/s... I was told to go onto bcp's for 2 weeks and then come back to see if they were gone. When I went back and they found out I still had the 4 cysts plus another one I was told by Nurse A that I needed to immediately go off the bcp's b/c i was one of the few that actually grew cysts on bcp's. So I stopped the bcp's and was told to come back on CD3 after my period started. Nurse A said that if they were still there then I'd take a cycle off. So today I went back and had Nurse B...she said she didn't know why Nurse A took me off bcp's since she wouldn't have done that. She said I needed to get back on them immediately for 2 more weeks. I asked about taking the cycle off like Nurse A mentioned and Nurse B said it was a bad idea. She said I wouldn't ovulate since this is a functional cyst that produces estrogen so I couldn't even try on my own and she said the bcp's would make the cyst go away faster than waiting it out on my own.

I left completely confused. I just can't believe that I'll have had 3 periods in less than 7 weeks. That can't be healthy...can it? I went to my 2nd acupuncture appt today and my acupuncturist said that this had to be really hard on my body and emotions since they are screwing w/ my cycle's so much. UGH!!!!

and my dishwasher decided to poop out and stop working last night......

I'll take one serving of good news, please!

So today I will be going in for another u/s to check the status on my cysts. I'm not expecting much other than another "Do not pass go". I don't think 4-5 cysts w/ one being 40mm will disappear completely in less than a week. But I do hope to hear that the cysts are at least declining in size. If I hear that they are still growing then I'll be frantic and truly concerned on what will happen from here. I still can't believe that my body created a new cyst on bcp's. WTF???? As I mentioned in my last post I was put on bcp's for 2 weeks and when they saw that it wasn't helping they took me off of them. I had the lightest period ever. Basically 2 days of very light bleeding. Although the cramping wasn't light. I felt like I was on a full force AF w/ the pain. Maybe it's the cysts that are causing the pain? That's why I just want to hear that they are going away.... although to be honest a little part of me still hopes they've disappeared magically so that I can still do a medicated cycle this month. I'd have to start the injections today otherwise it'll be a natural "off" cycle until the cysts are gone. A cycle off might be good too. Take time to find some balance and health of the mind, body and spirit. I'm doing my 2nd acupuncture session today.... this time I'm doing the acupuncture after my u/s, so that I can come home afterwards and enjoy any relaxing aftereffects. I'll post again w/ my cyst update later today.... Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!!

P.S. How hot are you? Is this global warming or what? We have been close to 110 degrees just about every day for the last 2 weeks. It feels like death outside. I can't bear to be in the elements to even water my yard more than 10 mins.

Positive's and Negative's

Positive- I had my 1^st acupuncture appointment yesterday. I made my appt in the morning before my appt at my RE’s. I wasn’t sure what to expect but ended up enjoying the experience. I had meant to start these acupuncture session’s months ago but for whatever reason kept putting it off. It was a little weird to see all of these needles sticking out of my body but I have to admit that I felt more relaxed than I had in some time. I figure it can’t hurt so anything I take from going can only be a benefit. I plan to go each time I have an appt w/ my RE since both the acupuncturist and my RE are out of town. I ended up getting a silver dollar size bruise and a bump on my stomach where one of the needles was. Is that normal? Has that happened to any of you? Bruises after acupuncture?

Negative- The relaxed state I was in was short lived. After my acupuncture appt I had an u/s at my RE’s to see if my 4 cysts from last cycle were gone. I have been on bcp’s for about 2 weeks to help get rid of them. Jokes on me!!!! I not only still have the four cysts but I have another new one that popped up that is 40mm big. So that was a waste of $70 for my u/s to tell me that I still cannot pass go. They said less that 1% off the population will still continue to grow cysts on bcp’s. They told me to stop taking them and to come back on cycle day 3 after my period comes. Yeah for 2 periods in one month!!! They said there is a chance they will go away once my period starts which I seriously doubt. My last bcp was Weds night so I’d expect AF to arrive around Sunday. That means cycle day 3 will be around Tues. How could 5 cysts disappear in 5 or 6 days. I feel like I’ll waste another $70 to hear that they are still there and I’ll have to take a full cycle off. J wants me to still go in so that we can at least be told that they are going down in size. This just sucks.

Negative- My back- upper and lower ache like you wouldn’t believe. I’m told that it’s b/c of the many large cysts on my poor little ovaries. It’s hard for me to even be comfortable or to fall asleep b/c each muscle hurts when I move or adjust my body. I just feel like crap. I have a daily headache which progresses to a nauseating pain that blurs my vision by the time evening rolls around. I tend to have a nervous or upset stomach most of the day that doesn’t like to settle down. I’m not sure if it’s the combination of stress, the bcp’s, the cysts or what but my body feels like it’s been run over by a truck again and again.

Positive- I’m going to feel better. I don’t care what it takes. I’m hoping that I’ll feel better once the bcp’s are out of my system and the cysts start to go away. I’m hoping the acupuncture has a positive effect on my body and mind. I’m going to beg, force, and make J give me massages at night. I’m going to listen to my fertility meditation CD everyday. I’m going to take more down “me” time…by either taking a long bubble bath, giving myself a facial, reading a book, or drawing and painting. If that means that the ironing doesn’t get done or that the dishes in the sink pile up, then so be it. I’m also going to make a real attempt to eat a more balanced diet and cut out the extra sugar. I used to feel so energized and healthy. I used to be an avid runner and had to cut it back to mostly walking once I started fertility treatments. I’m so tired of everything infertility has stolen from my life. I’m taking some of it back starting today.

I just have to believe that the many aspects going on in my life will fall into place sometime (right???!!!???!)…hopefully sooner rather than later. And that will help settle my anxiety about having so many unknown and uncontrollable situations going on all at once.

Regrouping...

I'm here. I've been reading all of your blogs but haven't been able to gather my thoughts and post on my own. So much has been floating around in my head. It started as a full blown tornado that caused me constant panic and frustration. Now I'm slowly picking up the pieces and trying to make a plan. J has seriously been my glue. He scrapped me off of the floor after this past BFN and is still holding me together. One minute I feel fine and the next I'm a crumbling mass of tears & hysteria. Infertility isn't all that is on my mind. I wish it were. J and I have so much going on at once. Nothing has fallen into place yet so we are trying to juggle many issues at once. J's company will most likely transfer him in September. We are 90% sure of the location (about an hour away)... but that leftover questionable 10% makes us nervous. We are thinking about moving and also about just commuting. He already commutes so we might just continue to do that for various reasons (financial mostly).

J and I have spent a lot of time researching Infertility clinics, success rates (how much stock do you put into those?), prices, etc. We have also spent a lot of time looking into how we will fund out IVF cycle(s). So much to figure out! I've put more of the Infertility planning on J's shoulders b/c I really felt like I couldn't handle doing all of it anymore. So he called my current RE (Dr. S) and asked him about our current treatment. I've done 4 IUI's w/ injectibles. Dr. S said that he still feels we have excellent odds at conceiving through IUI and injectibles. He thinks I respond really well, etc...etc... (I can't help thinking that if I respond well and the numbers are good then why hasn't it worked) He even gave an example of a women that got pregnant after her 13th IUI . Can you imagine doing 13 IUI's on injectibles? I'd be locked away in a loony bin for sure. After J talked to Dr. S and reported what he said back to me, I felt confused and weary. I've corresponded w/ several clinics that all said they recommend 4 IUI's on injectibles. They said after four you should move on to IVF. These are reputable clinics so I'm left feeling questionable about my own treatment plan.

Basically after many late night talks and endless conversations J and I are going to do 1 or 2 more IUI's w/ Injectibles. After that we are moving on to IVF. We have tentative plans to start our first IVF in September. I guess most clinics don't do IVF during the holiday’s b/c your odds of success go down due to the stress of the holiday season. So we'll either do our first IVF in September/October or if that doesn't work out then we'll start in January/February. At this time I have my protocol appt booked for late August so we have the green light and plan at this time to take the plunge then. *gulp*

I feel a little better now that we have a plan laid out as far as our infertility treatment goes. My current status is that I'm on bcp's b/c I have 4 (yes- 4!) cysts from this past cycle. I go back for an u/s next Thursday and if they are gone I'll start right back on the gonal-f injections after AF arrives. I wasn't sure if I was going to add this question but I decided I will since I'm desperate and then I'm going to delete it in a few days. I have 4 extra unopened boxes of gonal-f (900iu pens) that have been properly stored in the refridgerator. The only infertility coverage we have is prescription (full coverage) so we would really like to sell my extra medication so that the money can help fund our IVF cycle. We ended up ordering way too much these last two cycles. Does anyone have an idea of how I can do this or know of anyone that would like to buy them? I'd be willing to sell them for $300 each or $1000 for all 4. None of them expire until 10/07 or later. Shipping will be paid by the buyer. Let me know b/c this could really help me out and maybe it could help someone else out that doesn't have prescription coverage. E-mail me at kacastello@gmail.com if you are interested.

Otherwise... thanks for the support and the understanding. This has been the hardest journey I've ever gone through. I just have to focus on the fact that one of these times it will work and J and I will be parents.

Do Not Pass Go

Do Not Collect $200

Have yet to land on the double pink lines