Choo! Choo! Moving along...

Had my 3rd beta today. It came back at 15,035 which I was told is excellent.

So far:
1st beta @ 10DP5DT- 582
2nd beta @ 12DP5DT- 1343
3rd beta @ 19DP5DT- 15,035


I'm so relieved. Maybe I am just seriously jaded and negative or something and always expect the worst. I had knots in my stomach all day and finally had to call and get my results b/c I couldn't handle the waiting anymore. The nurse said they wanted my beta today to be at least 5800 so obviously I was way over that. I'm still having my progesterone draws too- but they take 24 hours to get those results. Last week my level came back at 130 so they had me stop the PIO shots for now :-) (my booty get a break!) I'm still on the suppositories and they'll continue to monitor the progesterone level until I'm out of my first trimester.

I had my 2nd IVIg (infusion therapy) last Thursday. It was a long 3.5 hour each way w/ hail, rain and lightning. Not fun...but the IVIg went really well. If you recall I had a horrible experience the first time b/c of the Lupron induced migraine. I was in hell that day and this time it went smoothly and there were two other Dr. Z patients there to chat with.

As for pregnancy symptoms: I become tired easily and quickly. I'll feel fine one second and ready for a nap the next. I also find myself starving all of a sudden. It's like 0-60 from not hungry at all to needing food and needing it NOW. I've never been a huge "eater" and its funny when I tell J I'm hungry and I am really serious that I need something in my stomach right now...not 20 mins from now. Our food runs have gone up dramatically. Other than that not much to tell.

I'm basically counting the minutes until my first u/s on March 11th. I want to see that this is real and that I have an actual life or lives growing inside me.

Cautiously Ecstatic

1st beta @ 10DP5DT- 582
2nd beta @ 12DP5DT- 1343

Doubling time of 40 hours.. Yeah! I'm definitely pregnant.

When the nurse called with the second beta she had a lot to go over with me. I found out that I"ll be having weekly HCG beta tests and progesterone draws until we see the heartbeat. After the heartbeat is seen we'll then just continue with the progesterone monitoring. We're still waiting for my first progesterone reading. It had to be sent out and the results should be back today. I decided to have my first u/s with Dr. Z (still need to find an OB/GYN). We set up the first u/s for March 11th. I'll be 7 weeks and 2 days at that point and a heartbeat should be seen.

When I had my last beta they also tested my TSH and found that it was elevated so they have now started me on Synthroid. I'll also be having another IVIg (infusion therapy) this week and will start Prednisone to help with my immune issues. So now my pregnancy protocol includes IVIg monthly for the 1st trimester, PIO until 10 weeks, progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, Metformin until 12 weeks, Prednisone that starts out at a high dose and tapers down as the pregnancy continues, Synthroid, Folgard, Baby Aspirin until delivery and Lovenox injections, Calcium, and my prenatal through delivery and 2 weeks post delivery.

I was told no sex, no orgasms, no baths of any type, no lifting anything heavier than 10 pounds and no exercise (other than very casual walking) until after we see the heart beat. (seems very strict!)

I have to say that I'm really pleased w/ Dr. Z and his practice. They are very thorough and have looking into every aspect of my health to maximize our chances. I don't have one complaint. His staff is awesome and I don't think they could be more organized. They told me I need to find an OB/GYN so that they can mail them a folder of information they have put together that includes everything he or she will need to know about me.

At this point I feel relieved, excited and blessed. I also still have quite a bit of fear. I know there is a lot that can still go wrong. I think I'll start to feel better when I see the heartbeat. The nurse said my betas are great and that after we see a heartbeat(s) my chances of miscarriage will go down significantly. She also told me that at this point she thinks I should feel pretty good about having a viable pregnancy.

I have to say that I've thought a lot about my fellow cyclesistas and IF blogger friends in the last two days. I'm extremely excited to have quite a few ladies that will be pregnancy buddies. Hopeful Mother and I started blogging at the same time and I've followed her story from the beginning and am trilled that she's knocked up :-) But, I also think a lot about those that are still on this journey. I really had expected to be cycling again. I though you'd see my name on the April/May cyclesistas list for another IVF. And when I felt that way I felt so lonely and left behind b/c so many infertiles seem to have been lucky this month. Now I'm in that lucky category and I'm so sad for those of you hurting. I just want each of you to know that I'm sorry your experiencing such sorrow. I really hope you persist, and that your dream becomes a reality soon too.

Beta Results

10DP5DT HCG Beta level= 582

I'm just beyond words w/ happiness that I've made it to this point.
I caved and did not one but 3 different HPT's... one at 9pm last night, one at 3AM this morning and again at 7AM. They all had a very bright positive.

For the first HPT I went into the bathroom...and peed for 5 seconds on the stick and sat there with my eyes shut (wanting to wait 3 mins before looking) ...meanwhile J walks in right after and started looking at it and says "Holy Shit", so I look and think I see a 2nd line and I start crying so I couldn't see well so I kept asking him, "is that a 2nd line"..."is that a 2nd line"...."is that a 2nd line"..... b/c its all blurry from the tears running down my face... then I see it is indeed very positive and proceed to cry hysterically for 5 mins in J's arms while he's bewildered b/c he doesn't understand why I'm crying and seem upset. Of course you all understand why I would be like that (shock, joy, excitement, more shock). I really expected it to be negative. I wasn't holding much hope at all.

After the 1st test I was way too excited to sleep and ended up watching TV and reading all night long... maybe got an hour or two of sleep at most. So I tested again at 3am and again at 7am. We went in for the beta blood draw at 8am and got the results at 1pm. I have my 2nd beta on Monday.

I know this is just a first step and many things could still go wrong but at this point, I don't care... I'm happy, hopeful and grateful and focusing on that.

Thank you so much for holding my hope and supporting me on this very difficult journey so far.

Chicken shit!

9DP5DT

and yet to POAS...can you believe it? me either. It's not that I'm strong or brave . I'm just a major chicken shit. I planned to do it this morning and even held my pee up until 10 mins ago and then I couldn't go through with it. I read my pregnancy test instructions 5 times (First Response Early Result) and paced the house.

I'm just not feeling it and don't want a lily white test stick staring back at me...once again. I feel like I would "Know" if I was indeed pregnant...like a mothers intuition or something... I don't even know if I have symptoms b/c I think I start to imagine them when I concentrate to hard. I think I've had some cramps but it could be gas. I'm pretty much symptom free, especially since the being hot, tired and hungry can all be chalked up to progesterone.

I'm already thinking about our next steps.. I don't even know the result yet and I'm planning for our next cycle. Something is seriously wrong with me. I can do the million vials of blood work, the zillion hours of driving to our appts, the daily injections much much better than be positive and relaxed for the 2WW.

My first beta is tomorrow...does anyone else think it's wrong that they make you go again two days later even if the first one is negative. Which means two more days of PIO when there is a 99.9% chance I wouldn't need them.

Oh you guys.. I'm so scared. I'm terrified to feel hope. I can feel myself putting this big protective barrier around myself... Telling myself it's negative so I won't fall to the ground in grief.

Going crazy... 5DP5DT

The 2WW wait is definitely the hardest part of IVF. All I can think about is if my embryos are nestling in for 9 months. The two first days on bed rest were fine...just watched bad daytime TV and a few blockbuster movies. Once Friday came I started to worry...shouldn't I start feeling something...shouldn't my breasts be sore and nipples tender. Why don't I feel anything? Shouldn't I have some side effects from the trigger shot at least. Then my husband reminds me that I had extremely tender boobs for all 6 injectible/IUI's and the Clomid cycles and we know how those turned out. So I remind myself that very few women can actually feel implantation and fertile women that get pregnant naturally never know they're pregnant until they have a missed period. My theory is that most of us infertiles read into every symptom that is related to our individual side effect of the medications.

So the only side effects I have right now are that I'm really hot... I feel like it's 100 degrees out (hello progesterone), I crave salty foods which is unusual for me, and I can't sleep well- insomnia ... and if I focus really hard I can almost imagine a few twinges in the abdominal area.

This obsessing basically started after I got an update on Friday from Dr. Z's office about our extra embryo's. They only froze one blastocyst. I was extremely disappointed and confused since we had so many great quality embryo's growing on day 5. Besides the two grade1 blastocysts we transferred, we had 4 early blastocysts that were grade 1 and 2, a grade 1 morula and two 10 cell embryos. But Dr. Z only freezes top quality full blastocysts. (he does have a 40% success rate w/ FETS so maybe this is why) So only one of the early blasts turned into a full blast by the morning of day 6. I tried not to let it get me too down but I couldn't help but cry a few tears and the potential life that was lost with those that weren't saved.

I am happy to report that the 1 inch progesterone needles are much better. J brought up our concerns during our transfer consult w/ Dr. Z and he immediately said we could switch to one inch b/c of my size. I (knock on wood) have no bruises on my behind...none...so J must be doing something right in that department. I use the heating pad before and after and it's no longer a big deal. I thought I would avoid progesterone suppositories since I'm on PIO, but no...they have me on those too...

My stomach is dotted w/ pencil eraser size bruises from the Lovenox. I ice before those shots and don't even mind them much anymore. I find that the first two days of any shot is the worst and then they get better. It's the anticipation that is the worst part. I also think it's because the injectible medications got worse as they were added to my protocol. Lupron is the easiest, then gonal-f/repronex, trigger HCG shot, Lovenox, progesterone... so each time you add a new injection the previous one seems easy as pie.

5 days to go... My clinic makes you do two betas. One at 10DP5DT and one at 12DP5DT, even if the first one is negative. I'm grateful they fall on the long holiday weekend. J and I will either we celebrating our fortunate blessing or he'll be scooping me off the ground. The important thing is we'll be together those 3 days and I know we can get through anything that comes our way as long as we have each other.

Transfer Complete

Hi everyone! I'm having J write this since I'm on bed rest & don't have a lap top. Transfer went really well. All 9 embryos made it to day 5. We transferred two perfect blastocysts (rated top grade and flawless). One was already starting to hatch at transfer time. Dr Z only freezes good quality blasts so we will find out how many are on "ice" later today, although he said we could probably expect to have 4 or 5.

I just feel so blessed to have made it this far. J & I have created life, and it's such an amazing feeling. Thank you all for your support and well wishes.

-Side Note-
We switched to 1 inch PIO needles. Thank God.

Progesterone

***1st of all thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. I felt much better when I read that many of you had similar fertilization rates and subsequent BFP's.

Had my first progesterone shot on Sunday night. J mixed and administers all of my shots and when I saw the progesterone needle I wanted to run out of the house. It wasn't the thickness that scared me but the length. I followed some advice I've read and applied heat to the site before hand and even warmed up the needle a little. We weren't confident on the location...we were told to divide one buttock into 4 quarters and inject into the upper outer quarter. Let me mention that one quarter of one of my butt cheeks is the size of a small post-it note. I have a bony ass and bony hips. We didn't have much to work with.

J finally administered the shot and it was pretty painful. What was worse was that I felt pain up and down my thigh. I didn't think we hit a nerve b/c I'd assume I'd be screaming bloody murder if we had but I had these very painful aches and cramps in my leg all night long. I couldn't sleep b/c of it. My leg hurt much worse than the injection site.

Last night we did our second shot and I was very reluctant. I thought J might have to hold me down. I finally held and squeezed my stuffed monkey "Charlie"...and silently chanted , baby, baby, baby to remind myself why I was doing this. Oddly and thankfully enough this one wasn't nearly as bad. J administered the shot lower than the first one and he inserted it 2/3 of the way in. Initially I was so freakin' grateful that I wasn't limping afterwards, but then became a little concerned that he didn't push the shot all the way in. J said he could feel the needle enter my muscle after 1/3 of the needle was in and didn't think we needed to use the entire length. I told him I don't want him to do that again unless Dr. Z says it's okay. Any comments on this? I won't be able to walk if we have many repeats of the first night.

I'm driving up North tonight. We're staying in the city and will have our transfer late tomorrow morning. I'm excited and nervous. I had a really odd/bad dream last night. I was going through IVF in my dream and in my IVF dream cycle they combine the eggs and sperm until they form what looks like a tiny piece of dry rice. Then they give you two to "transfer" and in order to do that you have to make them stick to your skin.... on either your lower back or lower abdominal area. So I was pushing these little pieces of "rice" into my skin until they dug in and slipped under my skin. (took many tries as they fell on the ground over and over) Then they started to grow and form a bubble that you can feel when you pressed on your skin. After 6 weeks you go in and they do an u/s to see how you are doing. I was told that my babies didn't make it. One had a crushed skull and the other didn't develop. I was told I probably crushed the skull when I dropped them repeatedly. I was crying hysterically at this point in my dream and the nurse told me that I just needed to pay another $10,000 and try again.

I told J about it when I woke up and he said it was interesting that the sites on my skin where I had to attach the "rice embryos" were the same sites that we're doing our injections. Lovenox on my abdomen and progesterone on my lower back. And that my biggest fear is that I'll do something wrong to prevent this cycle from working or worse yet I'll get pregnant and lose the baby(ies).

Sad and disturbing dream! I vow to only think of dancing bears and lollipops before drifting off to sleep from now on.

Egg retrieval ***Updated twice***

Egg retrieval went well. Dr. Z retrieved 21 eggs. I was shocked... I kept hoping I'd have 12 (a dozen) and that would make me happy. When he said 21 I couldn't believe it. I'm sure some of them are immature so we'll have to wait for the fertilization report to see what we're really working with but I'd say it's a good start. 15 were retrieved from the left ovary and 6 on the right. So my right ovary is definitely the over achiever. That is also the ovary that had the gigantic cyst that they aspirated. Interesting since I had the same amount of antral follicles on both ovaries. (about 10 on each) So I wonder why there was such a difference in how many they produced. Either way I'm pleased with how we're doing so far.

I didn't experience any bleeding and very little cramping. Some nausea and dizziness but that was most likely side effects from the anesthesia. I am on fluid restriction for 5 days. They want me to drink no more than one liter of Gatorade or Propel a day. No water allowed. Supposedly water goes straight to your abdominal area and causes more bloating and discomfort. I was starving after the retrieval and made J drive me to get a warm yummy sandwich and ice cream at Cold Stone. I'm going against my acupuncturist who says to avoid cold foods but I was craving it and felt I deserved it.

My Natural Killer Assay also came back much better. My NK cells were almost 1/4 of what they were a month ago. So the IVIg I had last week worked. I will not need another IVIg before transfer (YEAH!) but will have to do one with a positive beta.

We will be doing a 5 day transfer on Weds. J and I are going to drive up the day before and then come home after the transfer. Dr. Z said it was fine. I'll recline with a blanket and pillow and get into bed right when we get home. I plan to do a few days of bed rest and then some additional days of couch lounging/taking it easy.

They'll be calling me later today with my fertilization report so I'll update then.

***Update***
Just got the call. Out of 21 eggs, 17 were mature and 9 fertilized. I can't help but feel worried. I think it's great that 17 were mature but why did only 9 fertilize? Is there an egg quality issue or a sperm quality issue? Will they make it to day 5?...Dr. Z still wants to do a day 5 transfer.... Originally I was hoping for a dozen to start out with and I'd feel better about having 9 if I had started out w/12...but w/9 out of 17 it just seems like something might be wrong. The nurse didn't have any info for me and said I'll be able to talk to Dr Z the morning of the transfer. So- the worrying begins.

***Another Update***
I e-mailed a nurse my concerns and asked if we can have an update tomorrow. She said that 9 embryos is good and that Dr. Z feels 9 is plenty to go forward w/ a 5 day transfer. She said they don't do daily updates so I'll have to wait until before my transfer on Weds to talk to Dr. Z about the embryo quality.

Still worried.... ugh