Going Poop and other things...

Have to start out saying that I've been MIA for a few reasons. The massive amount of blood loss w/ the kidney stone scared the crap out of me. I was so very frightened for the babies. I've had such a difficult time sitting back and enjoying this pregnancy so far. I was just starting to believe that my odds of having a full term baby were highly likely when that happened. That medical incident didn't affect the babies at all thank goodness. They are both fine and I actually had another u/s yesterday that showed them both measuring on time and looking really good. One was sucking his/her thumb. I'm basically at 12 weeks and I'm really hoping that the 2nd trimester goes a little smoother. Between the constant migraines, the hyper-thyroidism and the passing of a kidney stone, not to mention a renal u/s that was at 2:30pm in the afternoon and required 12 hours of fasting...no food or liquid which was horrible...I'm more than worn out. Don't get me wrong. I thank God every day for the miracles that are growing inside me and I would do anything (I mean anything) to keep this pregnancy going. It would just be nice if I could start to feel a little better. And I am. After the kidney stone passed I was sore and exhausted for a few days but then I felt almost human again. My parents came to visit for a week and provided all the meals and did a million things around the house. (We are hoping to move and are putting our house on the market *more on this another time) So I was able to eat and have actually put on a few pounds.

As far as pregnancy goes there are two things that make me much happier than anything else. The first by far is going to an ultrasound and seeing the babies thrive. The second is pooping. YES- I am so deadly serious. I get very excited when I have a bowel movement these days. The frequency is about the same as going for my ultrasounds. Not exactly- but close. I am going every 4-5 days at the most. I was going through a really long stretch when my parents were here and my Mom was sooo excited about my baby bump. Finally on the last day of their visit I managed to go and my Mom realized the bump she was petting all the time wasn't really a baby bump since it basically disappeared after my bathroom visit. I’m now going to take daily Colace to help in that department. I was eating fiber (fiber cereal, fiber bars) by the truckload but it wasn't doing anything.

Remember how I mentioned that I needed my blood drawn and shipped to Chicago so I can see how my immune system (NK cells are doing) I planned to have J do it b/c I refuse to drive once again over 6 hours round trip for a stupid lab draw. I've done that one too many times. Well- I ended up asking my neighbor who's a nurse (she is actually graduating from nursing school next month). She's a nurse’s aide at the moment. I didn't know all of this until I asked her. She was more than willing to help out and J and I were both relieved. I ended up doing this yesterday and it was a disaster. I needed 3 vials of blood. I had 8 vials on hand. We went through 8 vials, 4 veins, and blood everywhere. She couldn't get my blood going and then when it did, the vein would stop all of a sudden. So she'd poke and search around in my vein the try and hit the right spot. She did this on 3 of the veins. Then she got frustrated and while the tourniquet was still around my arm, she withdrew the needle without putting a cotton swab or anything at the location so blood spurted all over the floor, all over the counter top, it was even on the two vials we had managed to fill. Finally we were able to fill 3 vials, cleaned them off and rushed to make it to Fed-Ex 10 mins before they wouldn't take overnight shipments anymore. I hope the vials are okay, that the blood isn't contaminated somehow and that my NK cells come back normal for once so I don't need yet another IVIg infusion. If I need more blood sent to Chicago I'm not sure what I'll do. I won't be asking this neighbor again. Although- I have to give her credit. She could have easily said forget it in the beginning when she was having trouble. She never quit and we finally managed to get 3 vials filled. It also amazes me at how far I've come. 2-3 years ago I would have freaked out at what happened. But, this didn't really faze me at all. I've been through so much poking and prodding, shots and infusions that it would have taken much more for me to have asked her to quit.

Back to another reason why I've been MIA. After the kidney stone incident and my parents left I went back on-line to catch up on blogs. I read a few blogs and everything I read was so terrible. So very sad. So heart-breaking that I literally felt like it was unhealthy for me at that point to keep reading. I'm sorry it that offends anyone. So many of you have been there for me through each rough spot I've gone through. I'm sorry I can't always do the same. I just knew that I was in a very vulnerable place from recent events and needed some time to try and feel positive for both my sake and my babies’ sake. I even attempted to read only "safe blogs"...and there is no such thing. I saw more bad news or even references to others people pain and anguish. I read about a miscarriage at 11 weeks and didn't want to hear about it. I ended up calling J and telling him about my intense fear that it could happen to me. J has threatened over and over that he's going to pack up the computer.

I now think I finally feel like I'm at a place where I can support other bloggers in a healthy manner. I had an u/s and things look great. My NT scan is in less than 2 weeks. I'm almost in the 2nd trimester and I'm praying for smooth sailing from here on out.

Seeing Red *UPDATED!

Blood- lots of bright red blood w/ clots.

When: 7am Thurs morning- I woke up and went to urinate. As I went to flush I saw that the toilet bowl was full of red blood and small clots. My heart dropped to the floor. I called the doctor on call at the local OB/GYN clinic. He called back and told me to come in at 1pm for an u/s.

When: 1pm Thurs afternoon...had an u/s that showed two babies with strong heartbeats measuring two days ahead (10 weeks 1 day). Placenta looked good. My cervix was nice and closed and there was no trace of blood to be found.

When: All day- had no more blood. Not a drop. My best friend was the bathroom where I checked my vaginal canal every 20mins for blood.

When: 5am FRI morning (almost 24 hours since 1st incident)...went to the bathroom upon waking up and wiped first to see if there was any blood...I always go into the vaginal canal a little and there was nothing...just white cervical mucus. I started to urinate slowly and watched as huge 2-3 inch clots came out of my urethra...About six of them total and then I proceeded to urinate bright red blood. not pinkish or tinted but what looked like blood shooting out of my urethra. When I was done urinating I checked my vaginal canal again and it was clean w/ just white cervical mucus. I proceeded to scream at J to look, run around looking for my cell phone to call the on-call Dr and e-mail Dr. Z all at the same time. The on-call doctor at the local OB/GYN told me it was most likely a urinary infection and ordered some antibiotics for me to take for a week. He said it's most likely from the blood thinners I'm on, the increased blood volume due to pregnancy and an infection in the urinary tract. I've never had a urinary tract/bladder infection and I thought you had difficulty urinating and it burned which are not symptoms I have. The doctor said you don't always have those symptoms. Dr. Z also called me and suggested I follow this doctors advice and that he thought antibiotics was an appropriate course of action. Dr. Z also said the babies should not be affected by this at all! Thank you God!!!! So I have now taken my first antibiotic (Macrobid) which is safe for pregnancy and doesn't contain Sulfur (severely allergic to this) or Penicillin (get hives with this). I'll be on this for 7 days and hopefully I will stop seeing red in a day or two, since I've now urinated 4 times this morning and it's all been red with large clots. One of my fears if having an obstruction in my urethra b/c of a clot and needing surgery or something. I'm also scared that it could be something else and we won't know it until a few days down the line when we see if this medication works or not. I am thinking its not a kidney problem or I'd be in a lot of pain.

When-NOW! any one out there experience anything like this or know of anyone that went through something like this? Please share. I'm scared, although very relieved that it's not vaginal blood.

Quick Update- Was just told by Dr. Z to stop my blood thinners (Lovenox) and baby aspirin for 48 hours.
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UPDATED!!!

Around 3pm on Friday I started to feel an ache in my lower back on the left side. This ache turned into full blown pain within two hours. It was excruciating... I had to call one of my best friends to take me to the emergency room. I felt like I was dying... the pain was miserable. I couldn't stop shaking or throwing up. Once at the emergency room they got me in pretty quickly and took my vitals. J arrived shortly after I arrived. My blood pressure was 155/115 when I'm almost always around 90/65. My pulse was 103 and I had a fever of 101. They immediately suspected a kidney stone and they were right. They did an u/s (saw my babies and they looked great thank goodness) and found that I had a blockage in my kidney so the urine was getting backed up and they said I had a kidney stone that was 3mm...maybe a little smaller. They were hopeful it would pass on its own. I was given a small dose of morphine which eased the pain a little. This also helped bring down my fever and blood pressure which was basically caused by the state I was in. Unfortunately pain killers and I don't get along so I was throwing up even more.

Finally I was released to pass my kidney stone at home. They said it could take anywhere from 24 hours to several days...even up to a week. They said to come back if it hadn't passed by Monday. I couldn't imagine feeling like this for so long. I was given some vicodin and sent on my way....throwing up on my way out.

Friday night was the longest night of my life. I was up all night in horrible pain. It just wouldn't let up. I couldn't keep anything down. I would suck on a few ice chips and even that wouldn't stay down. I would dry heave over and over. I tried to take my antibiotic b/c I didn't want this turning into a kidney infection and I couldn't keep that down. Finally at 7am on Sat we called the on-call doctor and told him that I hadn't kept any fluids down in 12 hours and I also therefore couldn't keep down any painkillers or the antibiotics. This concerned the doctor greatly so he said we could try some suppositories for the nausea and see if that helped. He said if that didn't work right away that I'd have to be admitted to the hospital. He said it was vital that I get fluids down and manage the pain with the pain killers.

J left to the pick up the prescription and I started to feel this intense pressure and pain in the lower female region. (J read later that this is what it feels like when the kidney stone drops into the bladder) After that I never felt the intense pain again. It was gone. My side was really sore and still is... feels like it should be all bruised up. I was still nauseous but it was easing up and I felt much better after I used the suppository. I was able to get some ice chips down and even a piece of toast after a few hours. Eventually I was able to eat a little more and drink a little water.

It is now Sunday I feel almost human again. I am so very grateful that it is over and didn't last longer than it did. (I'm also hoping that I'm not speaking too soon and that it isn't over and the pain will start up again!!!!) I'm so thankful I didn't have to go back and be admitted to the hospital. The bleeding is lessening and I'm praying I never go through this again.

And my babies are fine and there is nothing more important than that. Although it would be nice if my health could stay intact.

A few things:

First: I'll be having my husband who has never drawn blood, draw my blood. I have to have my natural killer cells tested every 3-4 weeks so they can determine how well the IVIg infusions are working and when I need another one. Dr. Z wants the test done in a special lab out of Chicago. That means I have to find a lab that will draw the blood and ship it for me or give it to me to ship. I have literally called every lab within an hour radius and no one... I mean no one is willing to do that. And when I say no one, trust me on this...I've called, I've asked, I've begged...no luck. I guess it's a liability thing or something. The local hospital used to ship blood for you but stopped doing it last year. So I have had to drive over 3 hours each way to have my stupid blood drawn at Dr. Z's or at the infusion center. I done this numerous times and I'm beyond sick of the drive. So... since my husband is so wonderful at all of the shots including the dreadful PIO shots I thought it would be reasonable to consider him as a blood sucker lab attendant. It's just a needle like the shots but instead of inserting medicine you’re taking out some blood. Big deal right? Okay- so J is freaking out and sure he'll seriously damage me in someway. I'm actually not nervous at all. I figure the worst that can happen, will be blood spurting all over the place. Dr. Z sent me all of the supplies so that we can do it on our own and we will be doing this in two weeks. Wish us luck. I have considered knocking on one of my neighbors doors (she's a nurse) and asking her to do it. I've met her once so it might be awkward. I've also considered bribing an actual lab attendant to meet me in the back alley for $20 to take my blood. What would you do? I am NOT driving over 6 hours total for a few vials of blood... I'll do it myself if I have to. I think J should get a special credential after this.

Second: I have a few neighbors that have wanted to be friends. I've written about them before...it's been a while though. They both have babies. They are both annoying and drive me crazy. One in particular… who I call smoker chick...b/c she smoked through all 3 of her pregnancies makes me hide in my house. A few past examples of smoker chick are when she sobbed to me about how devestated she was her last baby ended up as a girl. BOO HOO!!! She also told me she doesn’t have to jog like I do b/c she's naturally skinny... (Since the only reason one must jog is too lose weight ...not b/c they enjoy it or just want to be healthy) and that she has always gone home from the hospital in her pre-pregnancy size 2 jeans. UGH!!!! How I want to tell her that I’m the one that is naturally skinny since I don’t puff on a cigarette every 5 mins or smoke crack… Okay- now I’m just being mean. Anyways, I peek through the windows before working in the front yard. If she's out there I wait until she's gone. She the one that asks every time she sees me if I'm still trying, if I'm pregnant, etc.... ugh!!!! She's never heard of the word subtle. In fact last week she saw me and came over...and asked where I've been since she hasn't seen me. She then proceeded to ask one again if we were still trying... I couldn't stand it and before thinking I blurted out that yes, in fact I was expecting. I regretted it immediately b/c I didn't plan to tell anyone except some family before 3 months. Anyway- too late...she knows and soon the whole neighborhood will know. So we were talking and she starts going into detail about her pregnancies. She tells me....( shitting you not)...that she induced all three of her pregnancies at 36 or 37 weeks by drinking a cup of castor oil and rolling around on the floor. I'm sure my mouth dropped open. She quickly went on to say that many women do this when they feel ready. She later added that if I'd like any advice to come over and she'd be happy to share.

Third: Know how I mentioned in my last post that I felt like I was on speed. I had a really fast heart rate, I was shaky and I was losing weight. Well- almost all of you were right. My thyroid crashed. As in went to almost zero. So I'm now off all of my thyroid medication temporarily and will have my TSH tested every 2 weeks. Somehow we need to keep my level near 2. I had a level close to 5 at the beginning of my pregnancy. I was put on 100mcg of Synthroid and obviously that was way too much. I'm starting to feel a little better but still feel the racing heart beat and I get winded without doing anything.

Fourth: My next u/s is in two weeks from tomorrow (April 10th) and I'll be having my NT test on April 23rd. My NT scan will be with a high risk OB/GYN. This will be the doctor I'm switching to. He doesn't see anyone during their 1st trimester so I'll go exclusively to him after the NT scan. I really hope I like him or I'll be back to square one. He's supposed to be really good. People travel quite a ways to see him. He has handled many triplets, several sets of quads and two cases of quints. He has pregnant patients that have lupus, cancer and other serious conditions. He's also a neonatal guy so he can be there if there is a problem after the baby is born. Hopefully I'll be his easiest case ever and it'll just be nice to know he can handle anything, should it pop up.

and that’s all folks....

8weeks 4days

Met w/ an OB/GYN for the first time today. Wasn't too thrilled with him. He just seems like he didn't have much to say and wasn't concerned about anything. I have lost 5 pounds that I didn't have to lose (BMI is now lower than 18) and he didn't think it mattered. I have no idea why I've lost the weight when I'm eating more and haven't had that bad of morning sickness. I have a theory that it might be the thyroid medication revving up my metabolism or the fact that for some reason my heart rate has been really high lately. I usually have a heart rate in the low 60's and now it's in the mid 90's. The nurse said its from the blood volume increasing so rapidly w/ twins and it should go back to normal in a few months. Meanwhile I feel like I'm fast walking even when I'm sitting on the couch and I'm real shaky. I asked this doctor a hundred and one questions and basically got a lot of maybes, or it's not a big deal type answers. He also thinks the NT u/s is overkill and I that I don't need it. Not impressed. So-I'll be switching to a high risk OB/GYN ASAP that will take me seriously.

The best part of the appt was the u/s. I got to see my two babies. They have grown a lot and are measuring right on time. The heart beats are nice and strong. I was told my chance of miscarriage is less than 3% now. Maybe I'll be able to relax a little now and enjoy the pregnancy. I actually took Kleenex in my purse and went without mascara in case I got some bad news. Talk about a negative mind set!

The doctor and I talked with me fully clothed before the u/s and then he asked me if I was ready for the u/s so I of course said yes. He just stood there and handed me a sheet so I was confused. Why isn't he leaving so I can undress w/ privacy? I stood there for a minute thinking he'd leave or turn around.... but no he was just staring at me. So, finally I took off my pants and was about to pull down my panties when he said that I didn't need to get completely undressed. I asked him if it was a vaginal u/s and he said no. I had no idea we could do an abdominal u/s that early and be able to measure the heartbeats.

I'm been MIA some in blog land b/c of basically feeling like crud on most days and I had to travel back to the bay area for yet another IVIg infusion. Fun Fun... My natural killer cells were very elevated once again so it looks like I might be doing a few more of these. I hope to catch up on every ones blog this week.

I'll take 'What are Twins for $2,000' Alex.

We had our first pregnancy u/s today at 7w2d. Everything was measuring right on time and we saw two strong heartbeats. It was absolutely amazing to see those flickers on the screen.

The first sac with Baby A measured 11.3mm or 7w2d+/-2d. Heartbeat was 148BPM. Baby B measured 10.0mm or 7w1d+/-2d. This baby was curled up slightly so it was harder to measure. Heartbeat was 142BPM.

Dr. Z said everything looked great and that I can now be released to an OB/GYN. Although he will still monitor my NK immune issues until week 14. In fact I have a follow up blood test this Weds to see if I need another IVIg.

I have been taken off of all progesterone support which scared me a little but it seems my body it making plenty on its own. Yeah for no PIO or suppositories! Dr. Z will have me test progesterone one or two more times to make sure it stays at an adequate level.

After our travel up to see Dr. Z today we hit the Gilroy outlets on the way back home and I got a few things...including my very first maternity shirt. (*gulp- I took the plunge) I won't be able to wear it for a while but its a really cute halter and will be perfect for summer.

I think this is starting to become real.
I feel like the luckiest person alive.

Waiting

4 days and counting until my first u/s. You think you're done with the waiting once you make it through a 2WW....not true! It's never ending. You wait to see if your beta is rising like it should. You wait to see if your ultrasound shows a heartbeat. You wait and pray you make it to that 12 week mark that is supposed to mean your "safer". Yet I'm sure you continue to wait and hold your breath after that b/c you know as all infertiles know that something could still go wrong. The statistics and odds might be low but many of us have found ourselves on the very shitty side of statistics.

I have every reason to feel confident that I have a viable pregnancy. My betas are very high. I had another beta this past Monday and it came back at 85,118. So obviously something is going on it there. Is still just doesn't seem real. I'm terrified that I'll go to my u/s on Sunday and hear some bad news. Almost 2 1/2 years ago one of my closest friends bought me two pregnancy magazine subscriptions b/c she knew we were trying and "should" be pregnant in a few months. Ha Ha. Those magazines became so painful... I would throw them into our spare room without opening them. I went and dug them out when we first found out we were pregnant and then I chickened out and put them back. I figure I'll let myself relax a little after this ultrasound. Then maybe I'll read the magazines and let myself get more excited. Don't get me wrong. I'm still excited. I dance around I'm so excited. But then I stop and feel scared b/c it could all be taken away from me. I tell myself I should just enjoy it... but there is that protective shield most of us wear and I feel mine popping up uninvited.

I am having more symptoms. I have slight morning sickness on and off. I've also had a few bad cases of nausea and threw up for the first time on Monday. I felt horrible and I puked all over my toilet since I didn't get there in time to open the lid. I also think it's weird that so many people tell you congrats when you get sick. I was told by two friends and my boss that it was a good sign. Does this mean its a bad sign when you don't feel sick? What is with this "myth" that the worse the morning sickness the stronger the pregnancy. That bothers me a lot... b/c one I really think its not true. I know plenty of women that haven't had morning sickness and had healthy pregnancies. Yet... I worried since I didn't feel any morning sickness until 6 weeks and it seemed like everyone else felt ill much earlier. I wondered why I didn't. Funny now- b/c I guess I got what I wished for.

As you can see my mind is all over the place. I'm pregnant. I'm ecstatic. I want this more than anything I've ever wanted before. I'm also scared. No-I'm actually terrified. Nothing would be crueler than to take it away from me now. I need this u/s to show me a strong heartbeat measuring on time. 4 more days..... Sunday is the day.

Choo! Choo! Moving along...

Had my 3rd beta today. It came back at 15,035 which I was told is excellent.

So far:
1st beta @ 10DP5DT- 582
2nd beta @ 12DP5DT- 1343
3rd beta @ 19DP5DT- 15,035


I'm so relieved. Maybe I am just seriously jaded and negative or something and always expect the worst. I had knots in my stomach all day and finally had to call and get my results b/c I couldn't handle the waiting anymore. The nurse said they wanted my beta today to be at least 5800 so obviously I was way over that. I'm still having my progesterone draws too- but they take 24 hours to get those results. Last week my level came back at 130 so they had me stop the PIO shots for now :-) (my booty get a break!) I'm still on the suppositories and they'll continue to monitor the progesterone level until I'm out of my first trimester.

I had my 2nd IVIg (infusion therapy) last Thursday. It was a long 3.5 hour each way w/ hail, rain and lightning. Not fun...but the IVIg went really well. If you recall I had a horrible experience the first time b/c of the Lupron induced migraine. I was in hell that day and this time it went smoothly and there were two other Dr. Z patients there to chat with.

As for pregnancy symptoms: I become tired easily and quickly. I'll feel fine one second and ready for a nap the next. I also find myself starving all of a sudden. It's like 0-60 from not hungry at all to needing food and needing it NOW. I've never been a huge "eater" and its funny when I tell J I'm hungry and I am really serious that I need something in my stomach right now...not 20 mins from now. Our food runs have gone up dramatically. Other than that not much to tell.

I'm basically counting the minutes until my first u/s on March 11th. I want to see that this is real and that I have an actual life or lives growing inside me.

Cautiously Ecstatic

1st beta @ 10DP5DT- 582
2nd beta @ 12DP5DT- 1343

Doubling time of 40 hours.. Yeah! I'm definitely pregnant.

When the nurse called with the second beta she had a lot to go over with me. I found out that I"ll be having weekly HCG beta tests and progesterone draws until we see the heartbeat. After the heartbeat is seen we'll then just continue with the progesterone monitoring. We're still waiting for my first progesterone reading. It had to be sent out and the results should be back today. I decided to have my first u/s with Dr. Z (still need to find an OB/GYN). We set up the first u/s for March 11th. I'll be 7 weeks and 2 days at that point and a heartbeat should be seen.

When I had my last beta they also tested my TSH and found that it was elevated so they have now started me on Synthroid. I'll also be having another IVIg (infusion therapy) this week and will start Prednisone to help with my immune issues. So now my pregnancy protocol includes IVIg monthly for the 1st trimester, PIO until 10 weeks, progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, Metformin until 12 weeks, Prednisone that starts out at a high dose and tapers down as the pregnancy continues, Synthroid, Folgard, Baby Aspirin until delivery and Lovenox injections, Calcium, and my prenatal through delivery and 2 weeks post delivery.

I was told no sex, no orgasms, no baths of any type, no lifting anything heavier than 10 pounds and no exercise (other than very casual walking) until after we see the heart beat. (seems very strict!)

I have to say that I'm really pleased w/ Dr. Z and his practice. They are very thorough and have looking into every aspect of my health to maximize our chances. I don't have one complaint. His staff is awesome and I don't think they could be more organized. They told me I need to find an OB/GYN so that they can mail them a folder of information they have put together that includes everything he or she will need to know about me.

At this point I feel relieved, excited and blessed. I also still have quite a bit of fear. I know there is a lot that can still go wrong. I think I'll start to feel better when I see the heartbeat. The nurse said my betas are great and that after we see a heartbeat(s) my chances of miscarriage will go down significantly. She also told me that at this point she thinks I should feel pretty good about having a viable pregnancy.

I have to say that I've thought a lot about my fellow cyclesistas and IF blogger friends in the last two days. I'm extremely excited to have quite a few ladies that will be pregnancy buddies. Hopeful Mother and I started blogging at the same time and I've followed her story from the beginning and am trilled that she's knocked up :-) But, I also think a lot about those that are still on this journey. I really had expected to be cycling again. I though you'd see my name on the April/May cyclesistas list for another IVF. And when I felt that way I felt so lonely and left behind b/c so many infertiles seem to have been lucky this month. Now I'm in that lucky category and I'm so sad for those of you hurting. I just want each of you to know that I'm sorry your experiencing such sorrow. I really hope you persist, and that your dream becomes a reality soon too.